10 Miles Behind Me and 10,000 More to Go

The Bad News: 

Hub hates having his picture taken.. also, he was drunk and freezing at the Sox game Sunday night

Remember that blood test I thought I was getting yesterday? It's not until MONDAY. This is going to be a long weekend.

The Good News: 

My Family! Minus mom- here is hub and me with my brother and dad :) We had AMAZING seats

My doctor is thrilled with everything about this cycle. My symptoms were minimal, but he DOES think that killer headache was a clomid induced migraine :( He said if we do clomid again he'll give me something for it. Otherwise, he said my symptoms were pretty minimal and when I said I would be willing to try it again he was very pleased and told me that based on my symptoms, follicles, and lining he "really believes" we'll get pregnant one of these clomid cycles! About the follicles and lining, as I mentioned before the follicles were 22 and 24mm. The lining, I found out yesterday was 10.75 when the consider 5 to be healthy!!


I am going to leave you with this morning's pee stick and then update this post later. I know some of you are dying of anticipation but remember those 2 projects I had due today? Yeah- didn't do either of them.

12DPO fmu

Think sticky, sticky healthy, healthy thoughts!

Clocks

I can't stand this wait!

I feel like I am spinning out of control. I have two important projects due; one today, one tomorrow. The one due tomorrow is more important, but was just sprung on me. I usually have no problem prioritizing, dealing with issues and getting things done. But today I can't do anything. An Example? Here I am, writing a blog post.

After my "am I pregnant" blog post yesterday, I tested when I got home. This was not just because of the may be result, but because there was no sign of spotting, my boobs felt so sore and huge, and because I was due to go on  a 3 mile run.

This happened:

 

The one with no green ink is from yesterday afternoon and the one with the ink is from 2 days before. 

So, yesterday, I think I was pregnant.. 

As for today, I took another test this morning, and it was lighter. That made sense because I got up in the night to pee (which never, ever happens) so it was less concentrated that usual. I did my best to hold it all morning and after about 4.5 hours did another test at work... still lighter than the one yesterday afternoon?

What does this mean? Did I drink too many liquids and it's diluted? Am I remembering the line being darker than it really was (the picture really doesn't do it justice)? Am I not actually pregnant? I should add, I am officially late (for spotting definitely, for AF, usually)

Confusion never stops  

Closing walls and ticking clocks  

Gonna come back and take you home  

I could not stop that you now know singing

Coldplay, Clocks

Believe, Why Not Us

I am a huge, huge baseball fan. Have I mentioned that? Hub and I have a dream of going to all 30 MLB parks. More accurately, we plan on seeing all 30 MLB teams' home fields- 2 teams have new parks since we've been to them. I can't keep going back! So far we've done: Yankees, Mets (only me), Orioles, Nationals, Phillies (only me), Braves, Rays, Marlins, Angles, Padres and Dodgers. And the Red Sox of course. My team.

The 2004 Boston Red Sox asked the question:

The answer to that question was "Why not indeed". It didn't come easily: they had years of struggle. Near misses (1986, 2003) dismal failures (Last in the division in 1992, 33 games back in 1961). Still they tried, year after year. Fans too stuck it out, going to Fenway park (now 101 years old!) in the April cold, the August swelter and the seemingly cursed October. An entire generation was born and nearly died out without ever seeing a championship. But in 2004 they asked us fans to "Believe", and we did.

This is no small thing, this "Believe" request, it was just a year after a historically exciting upsetting series with the Yankees in the league series (the series of games before the Wold Series), which they lost in what was then called "typical Red Sox fashion". Game 7: A bad call, a poor managing decision and a blown late-game lead.  Then the Yankees get a home run from Aaron (insert choice word here) Boone.. ever hear of him other than this game? Nope, not Ray Boon, that's his grandfather, not Bob Boone either, he's Aaron's father. Are you now thinking of Bret Boone? That's his brother actually. All three are all-stars. Aaron... well he had one night that will live in infamy. An amazing, heartbreaking home run. Game over, series over, summer over.

But they asked us to Believe, and they made it back to Game 7 in New York against the Yankees on a cold October night.

And they won.

They won the next series as well, against the Rockies in 4 games. The World Series.

World Champions.

Honestly, this was one of the greatest moments of my life. (no hyperbole)

The team asked "Why Not Us" and then they answered "It will be us" and then, Dirty Water played on the final night of the World Series in bars all across New England: "it is us". They asked us to believe and an entire nation of Red Sox fans did, and then thanked the team for bringing that trophy home. You see, we wanted it so badly, but it was something we been raised to believe was our birthright to wish for, but to never actually experience. The morning of 10/28/2004, children brought copies of the morning newspaper to cemeteries, to read the news to their parents.

It was wonderful, but the memory of what went before can never be erased. 

That is what I hope our infertility journey ends like. The question to "Why not us" ends with "It is us" but that we don't forget the lonely, empty years. The bitter taste of tears on a cold October night.  It was those tears, that struggle that took something that would have been cool:

"Hey! I'm a Yankee fan and they won the World Series again, yay! Want to go the the parade, or do you think it will be too crowded" *

to something more than that.

 This is the greatest moment of my life. I wish Papa was here to see it.

This win inspired people to kiss and cry in the streets, to thank people who make millions of dollars a year.

Why not us, ladies?

*I am not trying to pick on Yankee fans I am actually.... friends.. with a few of them (That was hard to admit!)

Prayin' for Daylight

I am praying for daylight. Tomorrow's daylight.

That's not even right, I'm waiting for tomorrow at 4:30.

And then waiting for the results of my beta.

Before anyone gets too excited (or closes this blog :( ) I have no idea if I'm pregnant.

Well, may be I have a teeny tiny idea, that I am terrified is going to crush me tomorrow, or Friday. Or eventually.

I am disordered in this post and in my mind, let me try and pull it together for you. Remember this post?

I said:

I know how long it takes for my body to start clearing the trigger (below is the progression from trigger day to today- almost out!) .

Apparently I was wrong. Here is the progression as of last night:

I know you can't really see any lines in the last three sticks in the first picture. I don't know why I even uploaded them... The second picture is just the more recent three.

I don't think you can tell here at all, but in real life the line between 2 days ago and yesterday is clearly darker in the more recent test. I had hub do a blinded test and handed him the two sticks and asked him which was darker. After he gave his answer I had him switch the hand he was holding each one in, in case it was a trick of the light. Still, the one from yesterday was darker than the one from two days ago.

The one I took this morning looked darker than the one from Sunday and possibly darker than the one from Yesterday, but it was hard to tell, because it was still damp.

Then tragedy happened. Hub knocked part of "science experiment' into the toilet (That's what he calls my POAS habit). The one from this morning did survive, but most of the recent ones are now wet. (Toiled was flushed and I saved them, though they might be useless).

I showed the pictures to Ray (my pregnant work friend) and she thinks they are starting to get darker- not lighter. Also my boobs are KILLING me... I don't remember if that usually happens? I know they get sore, but I never remember the quality of the feeling.

Anyway: 11 days post trigger, 10DPO. 1 day and 5 hours from my appointment. Cervix firm and closed. No spotting.

Prayin' for daylight
I don't want to spend another lonely night
I don't want to spend another lonely night
Prayin' for daylight  
Rascal Flatts, Prayin' For Daylight

Clomid: Round One Redux

I have been horrible at tracking my Clomid journey for all of you. As I mentioned here, I was lazy, and had a horrible headache in the beginning of my cycle and then this happened and my journey stopped seeming so important.

Though it is true that the loss of 4 people and the grave injury of many, many others makes my loss and IF struggle seem small, it still is a journey that is important, and one I want to share. Without further ado:

Clomid, Month One.

AF started April 2nd and clomid 100mg started CD3, April 5th. I started it late in the evening and woke up with a headache that dissipated throughout the day. I thought that that would be the pattern, but unfortunately, it seemed to build so that by the end of the 5 medicated days, I had a headache constantly. By CD10 or 11, I was feeling better. I was very moody. I cried a lot and several times was irrationally angry with hub.  All in all though, I think that I did rather well and will take it again.

On CD12, which was Saturday the 13th, I went into the RE for a follicle scan. I was also supposed to get blood drawn but forgot in my early morning haze (the appointment was at 9am and I had been over a friend's new house the night before until way too late). Even with that hiccup, the day went perfectly. I had two beautiful, mature follicles, one 22mm and one 24mm. I thought it was interesting because my OPKs had been starkly negative. I am hoping that that is the reason that I have been unable to get pregnant - that I'm not ovulating when the eggs are ripe.

So Saturday afternoon we triggered. I didn't want to give myself the shot so hub did it for me. It stung and I didn't like the feeling of the medication going in, but all in all it wasn't horrible. I felt a bit nauseous for a few days but nothing unbearable.

We had a good go at it Sunday, Saturday was okay, I just didn't feel like it was going to work... I don't really know why. On Monday, we planned on DTD late in the day. Hub's brother is moving to New Mexico with people we in NO way approve of (story for a later date) and he was stressed. We tried to DTD early in the day, but it just wasn't happening.

Then at 3:50 the bombings occurred, and hub was gone away with the Army within an hour. He came home for a few hours on Tuesday night and we DTD, but by then I think it was too late. I didn't see him again until yesterday, when I went to the Red Sox game where he was doing his Army thing. He was able to sit with us for a few innings, which was nice. There was a really beautiful tribute to the victims, the public safety folks and the community. Here is the view from our seats:

So that's the update, I'm not feeling hopeful for this month, but at least I know how my body responds to the  medication, and I know how long it takes for my body to start clearing the trigger (below is the progression from trigger day to today- almost out!) . Hub calls it my science experiment.

My follow up appointment is Thursday evening.

The Boston Marathon: Love That Dirty Water

This post is 100% non-graphic

In a break from your regularly scheduled loss/IF blog, I need to comment on my city. Boston.

I'm gonna tell you a story
I'm gonna tell you about my town
I'm gonna tell you a big bad story, baby
Aww, it's all about my town

The Standells, Dirty Water  
 

The third Monday in April is a special day in Boston. It is a day that we have yet another holiday for drinking I mean celebrating how awesome we are rather, remembering part of our unique heritage.We have have March 17th as a holiday which we call Evacuation Day. This holiday marks the day in 1776 when the British forces occupying Boston left the city. Happily, it is also St. Patrick's Day, and the city has a significant Irish population. Just about a month later we have Patriots' Day. This holiday, celebrated in only 3 states, marks the anniversary of the Battles of Lexington and Concord on April 19, 1775.

Patriots' Day is also the day of the Boston Marathon. Everyone calls it Marathon Monday (Sorry Patriots). College students and permanent residents join together, lining the streets to cheer on others in their athletic feats. The Red Sox play at Fenway at 11:05 and the game crowd walks the few blocks to the finish. The elite runners are long gone, but the charity runners are just straggling over, exhausted and jubilant. Game ends about 3 and a half hours into the Marathon. 

As I am sure everyone is aware by now, there was a bombing at the Boston Marathon yesterday, at 4 hours and 9 minutes. As regular runners and their families were at the finish, two bombs detonated and at least one unexploded device was found. 3 have died, 17 others remain in critical condition; well over 100 are injured.

Image  by Twitter user Boston_to_a_T

This picture is only the catalyst for the images that I hope you take away from yesterday. Yes, there was an explosion, blood, injuries and horror.

Evil.

There was also humanity in its best form.

Good.

Strangers comforting others, military, police, EMTs and regular joes rushing INTO the destruction rather than away from it. Thousands signed up on a Google document to offer shelter to those stranded. One man, a true hero, was featured in one of the hardest pictures of the day. A young man had lost both of his legs in the explosion. He was being wheeled away by 3 people. One of them, pinching the man's femoral artery to staunch the bleeding, was a military veteran. He and his wife were in the VIP stands across from the explosion. They lost one son in Iraq and the other to suicide shortly after. Their son died in an IED attack, they must have been imagining what their son endured, even as they rushed out to help. I can't imagine having that strength, and I hope that that young man survives and can thank those that came to his assistance. (EDIT- He did survive)

That was a big gesture, but there were small ones as well. A Staples employee lent my stranded friend her personal cell phone charger when she discovered her phone was drained. Her act of kindness prevent my friend from walking 8 miles home. One woman on the news last night, still dazed, was being walked home by a woman she didn't know. I received 10s of text messages from friends and family far and wide making sure I was alright. All this in a city famous for its gruff exterior (please don't judge us based on (lack of)  kindness when driving!).

There may be a group of people responsible for this, it may just be one or two 'evil-doers' but there are FAR, FAR more good, kind, loving people, at the marathon, in this city, in this country and in this world. Please remember that and when you think of what happened here today try and remember these images:

Bill Greene/The Boston Globe/Getty Images (He's a Pro football player and didn't know the woman he carried)

From Instragram by ramseymohsen (Strangers)

Here is a blood free link of pictures throughout the day http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/specials/marathon_instagrams/


Well I love that dirty water
Oh, Boston, you're my home (oh, yeah)
The Standells, Dirty Water 

 (Funny, unrelated side note, this is the song that plays at Fenway after a Red Sox win. It is also the song that Hub and I were introduced as husband and wife to at our wedding reception)

What Doesn't Kill You

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.

It's a hackneyed phrase, passed down generation to generation and tragedy to tragedy, but is it even true?

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.

For me, what's been happening is every time something upsetting which I think might kill me occurs it eats away just a little bit at my outer calm. For awhile I was so numb that I don't really think anything could bother me. I barely remember anything from Blue Sunday's diagnosis until last summer. In that time my best work friend's second son was born, many co-workers gave birth or became pregnant. I dealt with month after month of BFNs. It was sad, but I didn't feel it was some cosmic punishment.

Now that I am out of the fog and 99% of the time living a life like I used to lead before Blue Sunday, things are upsetting me again. The BFNs have been compounding, every negative makes the ones before it worse to remember. Disappointments and trials seems increasingly unfair. Haven't I already had enough to deal with?

And then there are the pregnancies.

Some are fine, Mrs. Wonderful, old co-workers, some college friends. Others hit me harder.

I had suspicions that a girl that I am VERY close to at work is pregnant. I have thought it for a few weeks now. She has missed some drinking work events (It has been a very rough time in the company I work for and drinking has been happening both in and out of work). She has been drinking tea and not coffee. She used to talk about cramps, period and PMS and hasn't in awhile. On their own none of these things would have been a big deal, but something about all of them together had alarm bells sounding in my head weeks ago.

 

I had planned on saying nothing, and then she came in obviously showing, pretending like this isn't the case. It isn't like she had a bowling ball belly, but she is tall and very slender, it is clear to me that it isn't a pound or two of comfort food. After an internal struggle, I asked my best work friend (who's name is John). I started with, 'I think this is me being crazy (and a bit bitchy) but Ray looks pregnant. Is she?" He was floored, and confirmed my suspicion. . He has known for weeks.

This really upset me for a lot of reasons.

 

The big one is that she knows all about my loss, and subsequent struggle to get pregnant and we talk about it at least once a week. She has been an amazing friend and support- I have wonderful, amazing women in my life, but they aren't the "let's tale about your sex life" friends and she is that for me. I feel like I let her into a very personal space and that I was shut out of hers.

 

Also, I HATE being the person no one wants to come out (as pregnant) to. I HATE that I'm tainted. That my horrible pregnancy has made people afraid to confide in me, like I'll rub off, or afraid to make me think about my pregnancy but mentioning theirs. As if 1) I don't think about it all the time and 2) I won't find out eventually.

I did what any adult in a work place does. Broke my cardinal rule, I went to find an empty office and cried in it. Like this:

While doing so, the owner of the office, a friend of mine outside of work came in. He did everything right, offered to leave, offered to listen. He told me how he and his wife think that it is incredible that I've managed so well since my loss. He really felt bad for me that someone would keep me out of the loop about this (I didn't tell him who was pregnant, I let him believe it was an outside work friend). Talking to him gave me the courage to go to her.

So I spoke with her, in the hidden, locked stairwell at work. It would have been weird, but it was the day before the lay-offs would happen and everyone was whispering behind closed doors.  I was just like "I know there is something you should tell me" eventually she did (though it took her a minute, she was really shocked I had figured it out). She started crying when I hugged her and was like "I'm really not ok. This should be you I feel horrible and like everything is so unfair". I totally understood what she was saying.

She isn't married (though is planning on it and is engaged). She doesn't have a house yet. Our jobs were up in the air. They want kids, but not now. She was on birth control, but had been having break through bleeding and other issues. She had switched to a mini-pill. It didn't do the job.

They had serious discussion about adopting out the baby to hub and I. Though it isn't how it worked out, I couldn't feel more loved and flattered.

Though I figured it out, she really tried for it to be ok for me. She said her second thought after the BFP was how she was going to tell me. She was going to take me to lunch to tell me and then the lay off warning came. The week before that she asked me to go out with her, but I couldn't go. My reason for refusal was I was going out with JAM, and I had to go, even though I knew that she was pregnant and I was really upset about it. The week she found out, another woman at work announced her pregnancy. I told Ray (in private) that the next person who announced a pregnancy to me I was going to slap in the face. Oops. Hilarious in retrospect though.

I am happy for her. She is high risk because of some bleeding and family history issues, but it 14 weeks and testing had come back very good. She got it all done because of what I went though, which I was happy about. I put on a really good front about being ok for me too. I told her (and reminded myself) that there is no limit on the number of babies. She didn't take mine. I hope that we can be pregnant together, that would be a blast (though I would feel even more cow like next to her). She got us close to me and wiggled herself on me, hoping to rub off some pregnancy vibes. It was fun.

And then I got into the car and Lost. My. Shit.

Seriously, you'd think someone died.

I'm getting better at this long range, but I'm getting worse in the moment. I'm okay now, but I wasn't when I was in my co-worker's office crying, and I wasn't when I was crying in my car. I want to be able to believe what I told Ray.

It's OK.

Your pregnancy doesn't make mine less likely.

I'm happy for you.

We'll have kids close in age.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself, and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
Kelly Clarkson, What Doesn't Kill You

So Much To Say

I have been a terrible blogger and have tons to say. There will have to be a bunch of posts over the next several days. An overview:

I did not lose my job, it was 2 harrowing, stressful and sad weeks though. We're left with 50% staff.

I figured out my remaining best work friend is pregnant (Ray). And confronted her about it because I'm crazy-cakes. We're still friends.

I'm on clomid this cycle!! I have a horrible headache, hence half of the reason I haven't posted.

Also I have a goals update and should probably publicly confess my shoe problem.

Here is one pair.. cute right?

Stay tuned.



so much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
'Cos here we have been standing for a long long time
can't see the light
treading trodden trails for a long long time
Dave Matthews Band, So Much To Say