Friday, September 27, 2013

Double Digits and Denial

So I've been quite. I am really, deeply in denial.

I can't believe that I'm almost into my third trimester.

I can't believe I have 12 weeks left of work before leave.

I can't believe I have less than 100 days to go in this pregnancy.

I still can't believe what happened to Blue Sunday. I acknowledge that things happened, but I can't get to the place where I can believe that it all happened to me. Is that how this pregnancy/ baby thing is going to be? Will I ever accept that I am having/ have had (hopefully!) a baby?

I know that Mrs. Wonderful said she is still taken aback by what happened to her daughter and that she now has a son. He'll be turning one right around when Take Two is due. This isn't a new thing for her anymore.

I am still consumed with what-ifs. I am still terrified that baby will be born and something will be horribly wrong. It happens all the time. We (BLMs) aren't excluded from this. I know a TFMR mom whose rainbow baby died after birth, an issue diagnosed in utero. I know another whose baby was just born ill after a 'perfect' pregnancy.

It is a lie that a pregnancy after a loss fixes nothing. It made my loss easier to bear. However, it didn't fix everything. We shouldn't overlook that either.

1 comment:

  1. Ugh! I totally feel you on the still can't "believe that it all happened to me." When I think about our losses I often think of it as if I had watched a horrible episode of Dateline NBC or something. It's crazy and truly makes me question my sanity. Anyway, as always, you're not alone! xo