Thursday, September 5, 2013

I Just Can't Stop

I have 3 friends within a month of delivery. I am uber jealous. One is about to have her second, one is pregnant with a surprise (Ray) and one is beautiful, young and just married. OPG (who no longer works here) is 4 months pregnant with her second. At her son's first birthday they will be announcing the gender. That leads me to think it's a girl since she was so upset when her first was a boy... The lack of need to struggle and try, to go through a loss (though one had a chemical pregnancy) and to live with a huge fear boulder on their chests makes me very jeleous. The ability to have gender disappointment just blows my mind. I should be on my second, I should have been gifted a surprise, I should have been 2 years younger welcoming my first, I wanted a girl my whole life (and now I couldn't care less). It never stops sucking.

After that downer- I am becoming more and more invested in this baby. I can feel Take Two moving more and more often (even with my silly anterior placenta). Hub has felt baby a time or two, I've caught my stomach moving with the baby's movements-- how cool is that? I find myself actually thinking a baby is going to come of this on a fairly regular basis.


I catch myself thinking. I run through a list of things that could be lurking, that could be missed, that could just happen. Physical issues not seen on the scan, pre-eclampsia,  cord accidents, birth trauma, SIDS, autism..... DEATH SPIRAL.. literally, in some cases. I talked to my IRL loss friend Mrs. Wonderful. Her son will be one just after my due date, she said she still thinks this way. That she still can't quite believe that she is a mom, or that she lost her daughter. That she can't think about it too closely, since for her the living existence of one child means the other can't exist. I guess it's universal to the loss moms.

Almost 23 weeks pregnant and still bitter. I'm not ungrateful, but I feel robbed. Totally robbed.. and I can't stop thinking about it.

And I just cant pull myself away
Under a spell I can't break
I just cant stop, I just cant stop
I just cant stop, I just cant stop

 Ne-Yo, Closer


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  2. I can definitely relate to this. It feels strange and inappropriate to be jealous of others when I have a child now, but I do and I'm not sure when that will change. As you said, it is the apparent lack of struggle that gets me each time.

    Glad you are feeling some movement now! Getting closer every day to that baby coming home! Yeah!

  3. I'm so sorry you're having this feelings. I know I will understand the loss you endured. But, I do want to write a bit about the worrying about all that could go wrong. I know it's hard to not worry about your kids. I worry ALL the time about the sweet buddy and he's already here!

    I will probably not be any help or encouragement because as a worrier myself it's SO HARD not do! Last week, the buddy had a cold, then got 5 bug bites that he had an allergic reaction to and got all swollen. I was a nervous wreck about it! And yesterday he got a really nasty diaper rash that has me all worried about his diet. :/ I never went through 9 months of pregnancy and I'm sure I would worry the whole way through!!

    But, I do feel like worrying takes away my joy. There are a million things that can go wrong at any time. But there are a million times that number of things that can go so, so right. I really believe that's what's in your future with Take Two. And I feel like when I'm all worried about him I'm missing out on the sweet moments. And if something DOES go wrong it won't have mattered how much I worried about it because it would have happened either way.

    I know I'm not a good example as, like I said, I totally worry and imagine worst case scenarios ALL THE TIME. Plus, I've never been in your shoes, so I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way. But, I guess it's just something I'm learning and trying to make my heart more open to peace and trust and not fear. Which I know is so hard when you've had something horrible happen like you did with Blue Sunday. :( But, I guess "the future is the future" no matter how much we worry about it. I worry about vaccines, autism, SIDS, severe allergic reactions, all kinds of stuff. But, I realize that even if there IS a difficult diagnosis along the line I will still love this child fiercely no matter what.

    Here's a blogpost I read today that was really encouraging to me and slightly related. :)

    Anyway, sorry I wrote a book! I hope what I wrote was ok. Blog comments don't come out as well as human conversations!

  4. Oh man, not sure if you ever stop feeling that way. I hope maybe when I am 50? I'm sitting here jealous of OPG...she knows the sex of her second before her first even turns one? How fertile can (other) people be? It seems like it will never stop feeling unfair...because it is totally unfair. Sometimes I feel better thinking of people who definitely had it worse than I did. There's something that feels a little bit wrong about this, but it does work temporarily. :)

    Just breathe...and remember the knowledge you now have does nothing to change the outcome. And all your bad thoughts can't change things and make the bad things happen. Hugs!