Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Breathing in.. the Chemical(s)

Breathing in.. the Chemical(s)

In Brief: Started cycle 2 of Femara yesterday.

The whole deal: Well Saturday was surprising and annoying. I had an appointment at 7:45am in a town about 20 minutes away from my house. The clinic I usually go to is a smaller, closer location- though in the major metro area- while the clinic open weekends is in the ‘burbs but much larger. EVERYTIME I’ve gone to that location I’ve had some issue. I wasn’t happy to go there.

Late Friday night, my cycle started. I was expecting it so it wasn’t upsetting. Just ready to move on to the next month. It was actually quite convenient since I was told last week that if I was bleeding on the day of the beta then they would also do an ultrasound to check for cysts before getting the green light for cycle 2.

So I get to the office, and have to sign in and check my testing for the day- BW and US. Before I even sit, my name is called for bloods. The people there aren’t especially chatty, but it was early on Saturday AND was spring ahead and lose an hour time change morning. So I didn’t mind too much.

BW done (no bruise!) and I go sit to wait for US. And sit. And wait. And sit.
Finally after 30 minutes, I get called and before I’m even fully standing get yelled to “You don’t have an US today”.

UGH. ‘Yes’, I explain, ‘I do.’

No- still top volume in the middle of the room, next to the check in desk, where people are waiting to sign in.

 So I explain it all right there. Clear as day- cycle started late last night, was told at my (15$ 4 minute appointment, that fell in the middle of the work week in the middle of the day) appointment last week that IF I started before beta to do US and BW in same day. That appointment was a big waste of time, necessary, but could we have done a phone consult? I digress, the point of the appointment was to let me know what to do in this very situation (I know what do if it’s positive, since that’s what happened with bub).  

Then I’m asked the same question multiple times by 2 people- US person and the woman at the check in desk who is my Doc’s admin- did you call the nurse with the start of your cycle? Did you let someone know when the cycle started? Why didn’t you call? How did you expect us to put you on the schedule?

It started IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT- it was 6 hours ago. No one is working then. Honestly, in the time I was being fought with they could have done the scan.

So they told me I could wait an hour until the nurse gets on and ask them what I need to do. Then may be they can fit me in, but it probably won’t be until Sunday. Or I can go home and ask when they call with my results.

I left crying.

As mentioned, I no longer have my cell, so I called into my voice mail a few hours after getting home. I had a VERY apologetic message from the clinic telling me that NEVER should have happened and that she would be speaking to the doctor. Good.

Then I got the next message- the results weren’t exactly negative. Apparently I was having a chemical  pregnancy. It was so strange. I had no inkling at all. Not that chemicals are that disruptive to a normal cycle- but I am good at knowing when I’m pregnant. I don’t know if I mentioned it here but the tests were darker for a day- a darker mid-afternoon test sandwiched between 2 lighter ones. They were so pale at that point I stopped testing after that following morning.  

I had a follow-up on Monday (yesterday), which was its own disaster. I set my alarm for 6 for a 7:15am appointment.. but I set it for 6pm. In a cartoonish coincidence, I woke up to a too-bright room for the time of day it should have been and looked at the time- EXACTLY 7:15. I can’t make this up. Rushed through getting ready and went into the appointment anyway- no one answering phones that early. They let me have the testing anyway (because I was at the little clinic- who knows what the big one would have done). Results: no cycles, back to negative. I resumed the pills last night.

I’m trying to look on the bright side: I am good at conceiving on these pills- both cycles we’ve had sperm meet egg. I’m not upset, I never felt pregnant, I never bonded with a baby, I was sure I was fully negative.*

But did I make another baby with a fatal issue? Is that a bad sign for what’s to come? My body didn’t play the awful trick of keeping a baby going who wouldn’t have survived, I’m grateful for that but I can’t help feeling nervous. At 31, are my eggs too old?

* I know everyone deals with loss differently, if you mourn a chemical, then I mourn with you. That I don’t have the feeling of loss doesn’t mean that I think it’s wrong if you do.

I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals
Imagine Dragons, Radioactive


  1. I'm really sorry about your chemical, although I'm glad you're okay. I'm really and truly hoping this is the cycle for you and that you get another healthy, sticky BFP.

  2. Isn't it amazing how even the most routine of trips to a clinic can leave you in tears due to the lack of proper communication by staff?

    I am so sorry about your chemical, and I have the exact same reaction to what I am fairly sure was a CP a few months ago. When a woman mourns, I mourn, and no one's grief can ever be dismissed. For me, personally, it was more of a "huh" moment that left me with questions...and I was pregnant the next cycle (just disregard the outcome, I am way older than you).