Saturday, February 18, 2012

So Complicated

I can't believe how much time has passed since I last posted. Every time I go to write something, everything changes. I had a post all prepared about how normal things were physically, and then I started spotting on cycle day 7 after a totally normal period. I deleted that post and started to despair that this would NOT be my month. But then I was feeling OK about it. I have vacation coming up and I enjoy boozy bevs. So I wrote about that but as I was writing I realized that I really wanted this to be my month anyway. And now I think I'm OK with this not being my month.

The first few days and weeks after the termination ALL I could think of other than Blue Sunday was getting pregnant again. Now I am trying to enjoy this unexpected time without the worries of motherhood- which to me includes pregnancy. Once you begin making choices for a child you're a mom. So hub and I are going to enjoy some alcohol on this vacation, snuggle in a hot tub, eat sushi and really unhealthy foods. May be we'll think about TTC and set a timeline while we're away from the real world.

I still would really like to have a baby in my arms by the end of 2012 and most definitely be pregnant by Blue Sunday's due date-- but I am not really in control of that. And so I am trying to be OK with it.

This was a good time to come to this decision, waiting another moth before TTC, because I am on cycle day 14, my usual ovulation date and have not so much as spiked into a fertile period- much less ovulation. Had I ovulated on time I would been on vacation from 6w1d to 7w5d. This should have been after all my confirmation blood scans and I would have come home for the week 8 ultrasound. Now that I am off- I am concerned about not getting the blood tests. They are only necessary for my mental health, but I don't want to be (not drinking) on vacation worrying that the pregnancy isn't viable anyway.

I know that was a very long, rambling post but there is a lot banging around in my head at the moment. I feel good most of the time now- 6 plus weeks after termination. Some of the other baby loss moms seems much sadder and more lost than I do. I feel badly for that. That is an issue for another post I assume-- but in summary I am struggling with guilt over the termination, the loss of my baby and the decision to try again. But I feel hopeful for the future, I feel joy in life again and I know that I will find peace in all that has happened someday.

Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.
So complicated, I'm so frustrated
Carolyn Dawn Johnson, Complicated

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