Thursday, October 4, 2012

And I'm crying inside (and outside but whatever)

Let me set the stage:

Early morning upon arriving to work. Lizzy sitting at a desk, computer on. Crying but trying to hide it.
Lizzy (Stage whisper): Stop crying   Stop crying   Stop crying   Stop crying   
Doesn’t stop.
Lizzy gets up and begins to walk stage left to the bathroom
Lizzy (Stage whisper): Just get to the stall Just get to the stall Just get to the stall
Hall near Bathroom door: Sees no one, starting to feel relief.
Lizzy (Stage whisper little crying voice): Almost there
Door opens. Extra standing at sink looks directly at Lizzy, surprised.
Lizzy, bright, happy totally normal voice: Oh, good morning! How are you!
Lizzy enters stall 
Lizzy cries, silently. (stage whisper): You are such a liar. Liar. Liar. Liar.  

Of course stage whispers are really in my head but the rest is true.

I fought with hub this morning. I guess fight is the wrong phrase. I was just nasty to him. He kept doing annoying things, and I kept telling him to stop. Staring at me, driving too fast, driving while eating, blowing red lights and on and on and on. We carpool my mom, after she got out he waited for me to seem friendly and then told me off. “How would you feel if I talked to you that way” and “You need to listen to yourself” and on and on. And I was nasty, but he had told me I was being bitchy earlier. And barked at me to move when I was cleaning and he was watching TV.

And I WAS being nasty, so I deserved the talking to.

Today it’s been 9 months since we let Blue Sunday go, or however you want to think about it. No one remembers but me. Not my mom, who DID remember that it’s been 14 years since she had a cigarette. Not Blue Sunday’s would-have-been-daddy. Just me, same as always. I just don't want Blue Sunday to be forgotten..

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
The Tony Rich Project, Nobody Knows it but Me

P.S. HOW have I not used this song before? I had a hard time deciding what part to use. This is a good one! Even a sad song can put me in a better mood sometimes. The other verse I was thinking about was the "I carry a smile when I'm broken in two" part. I like that that verse has "I'm trembling inside" and not I'm crying inside, because I'm clearly crying outside. In the end, the "The pain is real even if nobody knows" was the most exact.

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