Thursday, October 18, 2012


** Found this in drafts- still like the story**
I was a hypocrite today, and I hate hypocrites.

Yesterday I left my computer at home, because I am an idiot distracted by life. I e-mailed IT for a back-up machine, which they almost always have, but due to new hires and a back order, they were out of that day. I went to my boss and got some non-computer related work to keep me productive during the remainder of the rush hour and then left for the day when the traffic cleared out. Working from home is a rare treat, we have SO MANY pointless meetings at this company.

Normally I would have just grabbed the computer and come back to work, but since I had a clear meeting schedule for the day, I just stayed home. I was about 30 minutes into sitting on my couch but otherwise doing my normal work thing when I noticed it was really windy outside. There was a breeze in the house. This is totally normal, though I was hoping that it would be cut down with the new doors and window we installed last week. Unfortunately, the 2 windows that need to be replaced the most are also directly in line with the remodel we plan on doing when someone dies and we get a windfall when someone dies and we get a windfall (…  that was accurate) So I put two throw pillows in front of the window (propped on the couch) and got back to work. Still windy and cold.

I break my work focus to grab a blanket that we keep in a basket next to the couch (to cover the white paint slopped over the burn mark from the fire the previous owners started errrrr I mean…for when it gets cold. [Have I mentioned I live in a disaster house? I could tell you in a post entitled “The Reason We’ll Never Pass an Adoption Home Study”]) So I'm standing up and realize that it isn't a breeze it is actually WINDY in the house. I assume that my window is open in the kitchen on literally the most windy day since hurricane Irene last year, so I go to close it....

And find the side door we just installed had POPPED wide open. No screen. My house is open to the world. I'm not concerned about what would get in- I'm concerned on what would get out.

I have 3 pets and they could have been running through the neighborhood or crushed beneath a car at the very moment.

My dog was lying contentedly on the hall rug, bless her oblivious, stupid heart. I set off on a hunt for the two cats and as I am halfway up the stairs, see one of them on her usual perch. Then it occurs to me that that cat I haven't seen is a Houdini- she gets out windows, closed rooms and outside when the door is open and we're bringing in groceries. The odds of her staying in when the door is wide open and no one is around is nil. I take off outside, barefoot and frantic. I used the main front door and as I step out- who do I see but my cat slinking around the corner, up the steps and then sitting in front of the now closed door she came out from! She even meowed at the door be let in before I scooped her up and brought her inside.

I found myself telling a co-worker: "I must have been meant to leave my computer at home so I could save my pets". As the words exited my mouth, I regretted them. How could I, after all I've been through, believe that I can be meant to find a way to save my pets, but not my baby? I love my pets, really I do, but not the way  love- and would have loved- my baby. If there is some cosmic reason why I could save my three animals and not my child- I request a re-do. If there is some meaning to a relatively mundane event, doesn't there have to be meaning for huge, life altering ones?

And though I understand I guess I'll say that you betrayed me 
I'm a hypocrite,
I dish it out but I can't take it I know you think it's wrong
And maybe you're right but this is my song

Lush, Hypocrite

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