Reflections

On a whim, I was looking at a blog of a woman I know from a debating site. She has started a blog, it was there on her siggy. I clicked on it. It turns out she has a beautiful 2.5 year old who has Down Syndrome. She sounds like an incredible mom; she is a teacher and really knows what her child needs, and is able to recognize what her child will thrive doing. I found myself very envious of her. I thought "What I wouldn't give to have her life, her child, her understanding and love"

As a usual reader would know (or a new reader who has happened to look back on the last few posts), I have been having a hard time lately. There has been some progress in the past few days (Talk to adoption planning, talk of ART) and some set backs (a pregnant princess and some suspicions about 2 of my close friends, a BLM recovering from a m/c). {These will eventually all be their own posts and I will hyperlink them}. The combination of blog reading and my precariously "okay" disposition led me to look back on my own blog.

Mistake.

Oh My God have I come a long way. The raw, awful pain I was in just bleeds out of the... iPad screen... and  into my heart and head again. It might even be worse to read it now than it was to live through. At least then I was in the haze of loss, grief and hormones. I did get to one part though, that I need to correct myself on.

In talking in a haze of pain, I was wallowing in self-righteousness. I felt that I made the right choice, and therefore people who CTT made the wrong one. There are times and situations that I do believe that you are doing a disservice to your child to CTT- but it is rare and extreme cases.  I think that most of the people in this community- baby lost or special needs parenting- are good, loving parents and that whatever the decision we made, we made them out of love for our children. I know that there are parents on both sides of the issue that wish they made a different choice. I know that there are people who wanted to make one choice but made the other due to spousal, familial or religious pressure. My heart goes out to these people. I know there are people in our community, as in all communities, who suck as people and made a decision out of selfishness and convenience or who abuse their children because they have special needs. In the end of day- people are people and we are all doing what we can. I think a lot of that post was that I was in so much pain. I don't want to hurt anyone with the words that I wrote- or the mostly really awful ones I copied and pasted.

I know that there are misconceptions on both sides of the issue- on this blog I try and correct the assumptions that people about those who chose to abort after a poor prenatal diagnosis. I read special needs blogs to correct my own assumptions on those who carry to term.  If you care enough to write it down, put it out in the world, you care about your child. In short, we all do what we can. We all love our children.