I’m trying, really I am. I had a mini-breakdown and for once it wasn’t about Blue Sunday. I have lost my baby last year. That is undoubtedly true, but I have lost something else. I have lost myself.
I came to this realization for the silliest of reasons. I was folding laundry this weekend and I came to the conclusion that I hate all my clothes because they don’t fit. I used to set out my week of work clothes, now I don’t. The reason is two-fold. The first, as stated, is that I hate my clothes by proxy of hating myself. The second is that I am constantly exhausted. Days go by where I do nothing (by choice) and then, when the day ends, I’m disappointed that I accomplished nothing.
I started crying to hub over how I hated my clothes, myself, my lack of focus. I told him I miss old me. I never used to procrastinate (well, almost never), I used to have a packed calendar of social events, networking functions and gym classes. I would have 2 or 3 trips booked for every season (small ones, I’m not rich). I have friends I haven’t seen in months. I can’t find the energy to book a hotel for my friend’s upcoming wedding.
I have some goals for the New Year. Some are big others small and one is mostly out of my control. I am going to log them here and update monthly on my progress. Thanks to Christina over at I Never Said it Would be Easy for making me think of this:
- Lose weight so that I feel healthy. Probably ~ 20lbs (3 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight)
- Pay off one student loan
- Read at least one book a month for fun (AKA not research or schoolwork)
- Complete my Master’s (need practicum, exam, and 6 credits)
- Finish the Corrib 5K in less than 28 minutes (The first Sunday in June)
- Be better about keeping up with my friends
- Learn one new recipe a month
- Make real steps toward being a mom- ART or adoption
- Re-do another room/area of the house
- Survive to see 2014