Hold Music

The hold music that my RE's office uses gives me anxiety.

I'm not exactly sure what day today will turn out to be in terms of IVF #3: either D-1 or D-2 I guess . Last night I started my cycle. Today is Wednesday and I figure I will start injections tomorrow?

I am sitting on hold and the music is making me feel like my heart is in my throat. So much anxiety.

It isn't the clinic- they are great- it's this whole process.

My body image is tanking. I have gained 20 pounds this year. Twenty. That's more than when I was pregnant with kins. That makes me anxious.

The things I'm putting into my body are making me anxious. I don't have a needle phobia- it just sucks to constantly shoot yourself full of hormones and get blood drawn. The dildo operated by a (kind) late-in-life woman is a breeze compared to staring down my (also kind) Slavic phlebotomist who EVERY time tells me I have bad veins and need to drink more water. At least her accent is pleasant to listen to.

The lack of strenuous exercise is making me anxious (and fat). Moving hard really is better than medication for my mind. But ovarian torsion is bad.

Most of all, not knowing the outcome is anxiety producing. I don't mean of this cycle (though that is stressful in it's own right). I mean the whole thing. How many kids will I have? How will I have them? Am I chasing the dragon here?

My life is tired up in that hold music. I am just hold here, waiting.

Back in the Saddle Again #MicrobloggingMonday

The last thing I want to be is on a weight-loss journey right now.

I want to be pregnant. I want to be too busy with a newborn and a toddler. I want to still be were I was in the months after Kins was born.

But.

I'm not pregnant, I'm not (really) too busy and I sure as certain not at the weight I was in the months postpartum.

The truth is I've gained a lot of weight this year. Most can be placed in the months I was cycling. Hormone woes, emotional eating.. it doesn't really matter what the reason was right?

No more excuses. Fitbit on, salad in my mouth.

I'm looking to lose 30 pounds by April. Starting small: hoping for 1.5 by Sunday.

I have to be healthy for this little guy:

(IVF update: Started estrogen patched and ganerlix. Have a headache and nothing else. AF should start in the next few days)

I'm back in the saddle again

I'm back

Aerosmith, Back in the Saddle

You and I Again: The Child I Have

Kins is the best kid in the world (sorry other moms).

He is playful, he is sweet, he is curious, and he is mine.

He is Trouble, he is joy. He is sensitive and he is kind.

He makes my world full. He shows me all I lost. He shows me what I dream to have one day.

That a lot of burden for a little guy and he carries it gracefully.

I had a cry just now, he heard from the other room and stopped what he was doing:

Mama?

He runs in, still in his monster-feet PJs. And again:

Mama?

I tell him:

Mama is feeling sad, and he runs over and lays his head on my lap.

He says little, but understands so much.

And so although I know we are only small
In the time we have here
This time we have it all
You and I again
This time, this time
James Taylor, You and I Again
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jamestaylor/youandiagain.html

On Loss #MicrobloggingMondays

October 15^th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I made a little post on my facebook page, and did participate in the wave of light. For those living under a rock not familiar, at 7pm local time all participants light a candle in memory of lost babies. I feel like I know about are more losses than I want to think about: failed IVF transfers, miscarriages, terminations, fetal death, infant death. So, so many women are living in the aftermath of loss of a child they wanted, nurtured and love.

Here are the candles I lit for my own lost Blue Sunday, the lost babies of my friends, and those babies of people who I don't yet know.

Living after loss is always living WITH loss. It doesn’t go away. I had an ugly cry for the child Blue Sunday would be now. He would be three and half! A real kid. I can’t imagine what that would look like. I never will really be able to I suppose. That’s what loss is, never really knowing someone you should have known all the rest of the days of your life. 

Making a List

Making a List, Checking it Twice

As I mentioned in my last post:

I’ve spent each day over the last week looking into one of our family building options. I am a crazy person, so I came up with a ranking system on 4 categories: difficulty of next step, cost, stress that will occur/ is likely to occur when doing it, and likely hood I get a baby out of the deal. Here is the breakdown of options: IVF #3, Donor egg, Donor embryo, adoption infant, adoption foster-to-adopt and GULP living with one.

Roughly in order of preference, though some could be swapped around.

Key: NOTE: Emojis don't publish in Blogger= annoying
>< squinty-face of fear= more faces, more fear
:*( crying=  More tears, more terror
$ amounts of cash needed =mo money, mo problems
? odds of working = more question marks, more questionable

IVF #3: we’ll be doing an estrogen priming cycle “patch protocol”. I will be putting on an estrogen patch every 3 days starting on CD 24. That is October 23^rd. I actually don’t know the plan for the stim meds that cycle. I found most of the chat board banter about this topic on the DOR board, so that makes sense- though my ovarian reserve blood work is within normal limits, clearly something is going on.

Next Steps: Time passes, box of meds arrive, I patch, prime and poke.

Stressin’ Out Thinkin’ 'bout: ><  (1) I know what to expect

Cost of Doing Business: $ yay insurance

Blessed with a Baby: ???? the definition of insanity and all that yadda-yadda. 2 IVFs one embryo not good odds.

Mental Anguish:  :*(   :*(   (though I know what to expect and get a full genetic link to a baby that comes from the process- I don’t think it’s going to work)

Donor Egg: I looked into two egg banks with two different processes. One has the donor cycle for you. Many are unproven (which means they haven’t done a round of IVF before). That stresses me out, since she could bomb the way I did. No one would have guessed I would fail IVF so miserably. Hub and I have had some spectacularly bad luck in the past. So we think odds are pretty good an unproven donor will give us nothing. But, when I limited my search to proven-only donors I didn’t see any that captured me. The other site has eggs from known donors, so you know going into it how many eggs are available. But again, no homeruns in the lineup. The down sides: Hub thinks it’s oddly voyeuristic and it makes him uncomfortable to sift through women. Not an insurmountable issue. I am wary of losing a genetic link to my baby, this is evidenced by how important I felt it was to choose a blue-eyed donor (like me, hub and kins).

Next Steps: Save money, finish IVF #3, implant Surya-Scott (and any other embryos), pick a donor

Stressin’ Out Thinkin’ 'bout: ><   ><  (2)

Cost of Doing Business: $$$$ (looking like 25-30 thousand)

Blessed with a Baby: ?

Mental Anguish: :*(   :*(   :* (  (3) I think this is a really good shot at another pregnancy, but I am not quite ready to give up my genetic link, especially when hub will get to keep his.

Adoption: By ‘Adoption’ I mean either domestic infant or very young international child adoption. We have looked into a few things and are going to contact a few local agencies in the coming weeks. We aren’t sure if this is the way for us. Which is why we have foster-to-adopt below. I like the idea of having another baby, though as kins grows, I like him more and more (I say like, because I already love him max. haha).

Next Steps: Meet with agencies, Save money, finish IVF #3, implant Surya-Scott (and any other embryos),

Stressin’ Out Thinkin’ 'bout: ><   ><    ><  (3)

Cost of Doing Business: $$$$ (looking like 30 thousand plus)

Blessed with a Baby: ??? (I think we’ll be a hard match, honestly. Non-religious, liberal family with a bio-kid)

Mental Anguish: :*(   :*(   :*(  I LOVED giving birth, that’s hard to give up. The adoption process, especially for infants falls through often. For me, that feels like a late-in-pregnancy loss. I don’t know that I can do that again.

Foster-to-adopt: Between the adoption options, I don’t know that I have a preference. I know that there is A LOT I don’t know about adoption, most importantly post-adoption issues and care. I want to be the best mom possible, for any child who may come into my life. I know that foster-to-adopt has its own challenges, especially if you add an older child to the family. We do have adoption in our family, so it’s not a foreign concept, but parenting is different. What I have always imagined as a mom is school-aged kids, so I’m not missing my parenting sweet-spot by older child adoption

Next Steps: Meet with agencies, finish IVF #3, implant Surya-Scott (and any other embryos).

Stressin’ Out Thinkin’ 'bout: ><   ><   ><  (3) In the post-adoption time period…you know, the rest of my life.

Cost of Doing Business: $$ (foster-to-adopt is quiet inexpensive, by comparison)

Blessed with a Baby Kid: ? (This is probably one of our better-bets)

Mental Anguish: :*(   :*(   :*( (3) I LOVED giving birth, that’s hard to give up. Older child adoption has its own challenges, which I am reading up on and becoming aware of. I am concerned about the effect of a child in crisis on kins.

Donor Embryo: This is also known as embryo adoption and reflects two different schools of thought on using an embryo created with the gametes of two people who are not the parents-to-be. In short, there will be no genetic link to me or to hub. I talked about donor embryo/embryo adoption here. There is actually less information around on this option than I would like. I’m not too sure about this option.

Next Steps: Decide if this is even an option for us.

Stressin’ Out Thinkin’ about it: ><   ><   ><   ><  (4) fear of the unknown

Cost of Doing Business: Not really sure

Blessed with a Baby: ??

Mental Anguish: :*(   :*( :*(   :*(  (4) I think this is a really good shot at another pregnancy, but I am not quite ready to give up my genetic link, knowing so little about it makes me nervous.  

Living with One: This is obvious, right? Stop the insanity, save the money, avoid the heartbreak (and potential joy) and live as a family of three.
Next Step: Exhaust all other options/ all the money we're willing to spend.

Stressin’ Out Thinkin’ 'bout: ><  ><   ><   ><  ><  (5)

Cost of Doing Business: -$, -$ Save tons (college, cars, making the baby etc.)

Blessed with a Baby: ????? I mean I guess I could have a natural pregnancy.

Mental Anguish: :*(   :*(   :*( :*(   :*(   (5)

Metadata for Reproduction #MicroBloggingMonday

I’ve spent each day over the last week looking into one of our family building options. I am a crazy person, so I came up with a ranking system on 4 categories: difficulty of next step, cost, stress that will occur/ is likely to occur when doing it, and likely hood I get a baby out of the deal. What can I say, my job is literally managing data. I make spreadsheets and information capture systems 9-5, 5 days a week (really 8:30-4 and 8 until it’s done for the day, but that’s neither here nor there).

In brief, it really is least stressful for me to just jump into this next (likely last) IVF. I know what to expect (not that it’s GOOD or fun, but it’s known), the monetary aspect is minimal and I get a full genetic link to a child that comes out of this process.  I’m not sure how important that genetic bond is to me, but I do know I am sad when I think about how much Kins looks like hub when I think I will NEVER have that. Though, it isn’t really important.

My next post will have the breakdown of IVF #3, Donor egg, Donor embryo, adoption infant, adoption foster-to-adopt.

IVF #2 The End

Though IVF #1 still may have be successful, (looking at you Suyra-Scott) IVF #2 is definitively a bust.

No embryos made it to biopsy.

I am sad, but not in the least bit surprised.

I had a chat with hub and we decided to give it one more try. To be honest, he decided to give it one more try and I consented to that. I feel ready to close the door. I'd like to transfer Surya-Scott before the end of the year and have a new-start in 2016. That may be with donor egg, donor embryo or adoption. Or a pregnancy, may be.

Hub isn't really keen on this either, but he feels that we're giving up before it's over if we don't try one last time. This cycle cost us very little money, since there was nothing to biopsy it was less than a $500 cycle (don't hate me!) I will be doing a patch protocol, which I have yet to look up. The doc made it sound like it's good for people who get over-suppressed from BCPs (MEEEEE). It is a bit of a slow protocol, but I was slow anyway.

If insurance can be rushed along and approve in just under 3 weeks, I can start the patches on CD 21, which is October 20th  and then injections on day 2 of my next cycle, which should be just before the end of this month. That would set us for a retrieval some time mid-November and hopefully a transfer in December.

The best laid plans, right?