Friday, October 30, 2015

Hold Music

The hold music that my RE's office uses gives me anxiety.

I'm not exactly sure what day today will turn out to be in terms of IVF #3: either D-1 or D-2 I guess . Last night I started my cycle. Today is Wednesday and I figure I will start injections tomorrow?

I am sitting on hold and the music is making me feel like my heart is in my throat. So much anxiety.

It isn't the clinic- they are great- it's this whole process.

My body image is tanking. I have gained 20 pounds this year. Twenty. That's more than when I was pregnant with kins. That makes me anxious.

The things I'm putting into my body are making me anxious. I don't have a needle phobia- it just sucks to constantly shoot yourself full of hormones and get blood drawn. The dildo operated by a (kind) late-in-life woman is a breeze compared to staring down my (also kind) Slavic phlebotomist who EVERY time tells me I have bad veins and need to drink more water. At least her accent is pleasant to listen to.

The lack of strenuous exercise is making me anxious (and fat). Moving hard really is better than medication for my mind. But ovarian torsion is bad.

Most of all, not knowing the outcome is anxiety producing. I don't mean of this cycle (though that is stressful in it's own right). I mean the whole thing. How many kids will I have? How will I have them? Am I chasing the dragon here?

My life is tired up in that hold music. I am just hold here, waiting.

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