Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I've been ignoring you...

NOTE: I found this in draft after it should have been published. I have a whole different sentiment today (9/18/2012)

Sometimes when a BLM goes missing it is because she is pregnant.. this is not one of those times.I don't know if I mentioned, but AF showed up- on my anniversary no less. I had been spotting, so it wasn't a surprise. It was just the same big, fucking disappointment as always.

I have the pedestrian excuses per usual- busy with work, busy with home, busy with friends. But I am really writing this to say that I have reached a saturation point with my loss. I am unable to convey my sadness in any new ways. And I am Not. That. Sad. Anymore.

I feel awful saying that. Which is why I haven't been around.

This is NOT to say, in anyway, that this is easy or that when I really think about it, my loss doesn't break my heart into a million pieces. But I don't think about it so often, and I am able to live more fully not thinking about it all the time.That's good, right? I SHOULD be enjoying my life. I'm young and childless and that isn't all bad all the time. I had a 25th friend-aversary last weekend with my bestie and the resties. (I usually don't think of all my friends but one as "the rest" they are only "the rest" for this one event) We had it at the new house of one of our other friends and good times at the beach and drinking in a furniture-less house ensued. Hub and I are planning a get-away. I'm enjoying this semester's class. All good things. All things I was ignoring a few months back.

I feel like I am getting healthy again- I've lost 5 pounds, cut back on soda,  made an effort to cook food at home, I'm going to the gym again. I had been held down by a grief so large that I couldn't be bothered by those things- diet, exercise, enjoyment of life. I feel like I'm coming alive again. Different, sad but functional.

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

Rascal Flatts, I'm Moving On

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