Wish I Didn't Know Now

Wish I Didn't Know Now What I Didn't Know Then (or then)

I feel like such a jerk.

JAM's pregnancy status has been weighing on my mind. After the most recent post I really did let it go. I had a strong feeling that she was pretending a bit about drinking 2 weeks ago(they are pretty serious Catholics, all things considered). Last week they missed our standing trivia night date, and I thought they might have been avoiding us. I figured she could be as far along as 10 weeks given our booze fest at the end of January. That would mean the end of the first trimester u/s would be coming up and then they would tell us.

To pause this car wreck of a story to supplement it with a train wreck of one, I am VERY likely out of a job come Monday. I work in research, and the drug my company works on failed in a late stage trial. They are cutting the program (which I don't work on) but they tied a lot of money to the project, so we're floundering.  He is actually in my works in a field related to mine (happy accident). The press release came out early one morning and I had a message from her within the hour checking in on me and letting me know they wanted to take us out to dinner. Networking and commiserating- they have had more than their share of lay offs.

This background brings us to last night.


So we sit down and she orders a carafe of wine and I say "Oh, you're over Lent, too" and she says " My brother gave up not drinking for Lent too" and then I knew that she had forgotten she told me that SHE gave up alcohol for Lent. And so I knew that she had been or thought she was pregnant and was no longer.

I let it lie, I had some good shop talk with him and eating and drinking moved forward. Eventually she  asked us about how we're faring in the RE journey. I ran through it with her and ended with how I'm terrified about losing insurance. Then she started crying.

And launched into her miscarriage story.

She never had symptoms, she had low betas and bleeding. She found out the baby stopped growing on Wednesday of last week and did the D&C that Friday.  Her 12 week appointment would have been yesterday.

I was dead on, almost. She found out two days after the January binge, when they weren't trying.She lied about drinking at GEB's party. I just KNEW she was pregnant.

I am so, so sad for her and I feel like I caused it. (I know I didn't and clearly I can't influence things by my desires, otherwise we would BOTH be pregnant).

They named their baby so that baby wouldn't be forgotten. So, for little, lost Alex, and your heartbroken parents please know that people remember. Blue Sunday will do some looking out.



Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then
Against the wind
We were runnin' against the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin'
Bob Seager, Against the wind