Work, Grief and IF

As all my readers now know, I am in a professional career that I love and am proud of.

I am in mourning for my Blue Sunday. There are many ways that this grief bubbles to the surface, even 15 months after the loss.

I am infertile. Newly diagnosed and just now being dealt with.

These things are complicated by each other and other outside forces. It is hard to love a job in a volatile career. Currently, I'm anticipating a lay off. This is crushing. I like most of my co-workers: I love a few them. I am working for a manager whom I adore and would like to model my own career (and mothering skills?) after. It is hard to have a job (and especially to start a new one) while actively attempting to start a family. I'll have at least 4 appointments every cycle, then, once I get pregnant, I'm high risk. That's a lot of time off. Not to mention actively working toward pregnancy means a maternity leave in 9ish months at either my very understaffed current company or a brand new one. If new, I'm not covered by FMLA.  I may not have leave time.

My grief limits my networking in office, there are pregnant women everywhere at work. Seeing them is still a slap in the face. Grief makes me obsess and worry and wonder at the fertility of my friends. This takes mental time and energy I really can't spare.

This all is a hate spiral. I hate that  need to be job hunting at a VERY inopportune time. I hate that I can't celebrate with others who are pregnant or new parents. I hate that I can't have a baby without intervention. I hate that I can't just say: "Let's put off TTC until the job issue settles", because I can't give up another 3+ months. I hate that I am going to lose insurance and might need that break anyway.

Side bar: I am so lucky to have great insurance in a great state. For a brief overview: I live in Massachusetts, a state that requires that health insurance is provided by most employers (otherwise you can buy it on your own, these plans are at a discount, but still very expensive if you have a good income). IF coverage is required. The some of best hospitals and medical schools are here. This is far from the norm in the US.

From:http://www.zanebenefits.com/blog/bid/97413/

That I very likely will be without insurance for the job search is terrifying. There is a chance we'll have a severance that will include insurance continuation, but the company lost over 60% of it's value last week. I'm not sure how they will afford it (though a business woman I am not). This really is the biggest fear for hub and me. We have a cushion for bills and expenses, I know that I am marketable and that finding a job will only be a matter of time.. but stopping before we even get to start our first medicated cycle is really a bummer. Especially since we don't know when we'd start again.