Hope and Disappointment x2

Disappointment 1

Spotting, cramps and all their friends have made an entrance. We are about to start CD 1 for the 16th time since losing Blue Sunday- 14 of those cycles actively trying. I am so, so tired of this.

RE Appointment Update

Hub and I went to the RE on Monday morning. The clinic was great. All of the women there seemed friendly, they were talking to each other and the staff with ease. I'll take this as a good sign. We both really, really liked our doctor. He was just old and dorky enough for me to trust him. Let's face it, I'd love a chance to stare at George Clooney on his ER days as my doc, but I trust someone a little more Dr. Wilson from House  (* and Wilson from House is on the short list of TV characters I wish were real- so that is not as insulting as it might have come across). He stared off by talking about the neighborhood we live in- what a great place it is, how his BFF lives there and how it is the greatest place in the city (true).

He asked us how we felt about being there, which was awesome. Some of it is obvious- we want a baby- it's a means to an end- but there is a lot more to it than that. I feel a combination of relief, regret and anger. I am relieved that someone is finally listening to me and helping me, I am regretful that my body failed me and that we can't do this on our own. I am angry that we have to be there at all. I used to be able to get pregnant, not I cannot. It was nice to be listened to. 

He went over our results and feels they are good. He is having Hub re-do the SA because he wants to confirm the low morphology, though he doesn't think it will be an issue with overall counts, live count and motility as high as his. He said there is no indication of ovarian reserve or thyroid issues in me. He does want to do a genetic testing panel just to confirm that there is no genetic reason for  Blue Sunday's T18, but he feels that it was a (horrible) fluke. That being said:

Disappointment 2

There are some additional insurance hurdles I need to jump through before I can be treated by a specialist. That means ANOTHER month of no treatment. I am so disappointed. 

I need to have an HSG done to confirm my tubes are open- this is similar to the SHG that I had in May '12 and Feb '13 BUT it is done with X-ray and contrast rather than an ultrasound and saline. There was a  small question about one tube last month, so I guess this is fine. I have heard it hurts, but my doc promised that they wouldn't hurt me (in one of my favorite lines ever uttered by a doctor) "not to sound pompous, but we have the best staff anywhere and we won't hurt you". We shall see! I also need to do Day 3 bloods again to re-check one additional ovarian component, which again he felt was better than fine when it was tested before. He said something about it needs to be below 15, they like it below 10 and I am at a 7 or something. 

Finally, Some Hope

In this sea of disappointment, he did actually say my favorite thing ever uttered by a doctor: "You're going to get pregnant. All the statistics, your age, your labs, your history as a couple.. this will happen. People your age who come here, they fair very, very well." Hub felt a lot better at this and I did too at the time. Then I  had a moment of panic, once we were home, this whole journey has been us beating the odds.. and not in the good way. Could this be just one more thing?

I had a major case of the sads Monday and Tuesday. I am really just now pulling out of it. It really doesn't help that I was so hoping to be one of those people who make an RE appointment and magically become pregnant. Stupid AF, shitting bleeding on my dreams again.

All that downer stuff aside: 

I'll get pregnant says the RE. 
It's just a matter of time says my GYN. 
Trust the doctors says my hub.

May be it's time I stop talking and start listening. 

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away
We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Jefferson Airplane, Stop Children What's That Sound