Looking backwards- Timehop

10/19/2014

This was published on Facebook 3 years ago yesterday. The first is from moments after our plane landed- the flight when I realized I was pregnant with Blue Sunday. That means 3 years ago today I peed on a stick... Positive. 

Apparently I was too tired and excited to spell correctly.

It's amazing what isn't posted in Facebook. Many of the biggest moments of my life passed without mention there. Promotions, hub leaving or coming home, BFNs, BFPs, fights with loved ones, births and deaths. Sometimes though, I can look back and see a wonderful event in pictures or text- or there is a day like the one above- where I can read my excitement and know what's behind it. 

The Second Time Around

TTC rainbow two is very different than TTC bub. I'm sure a lot if it is that this is the first month that there has been an effort made. I'm not disappointed yet, it is still fun and exciting. It is even easy to forget that we are trying again. I will say though that TTC with a 9-month-old, 2 full time jobs between us, school for hub, friends, family and a house to keep up with is NOT EASY. That's why we are just in our first month TTC, even though we said we were starting to try 2 months ago.


Who knows if it even has a chance of working. I am still BFing. 3 times a day on work days- morning and night with bub and one pump at work. When I'm not working at work, or it is the weekend, I tend to still BF on demand- 4 times already today at 4:30 (3 hours before bed time). Bub uses it as snuggle time.. and he's not a snuggly baby- so I use it to snuggle too.


CD13, and in the game this month.


Step by step
Day by day
A fresh start over
A different hand to play
Only time will tell
But you know what they say
We'll make it better
The second time around

Isn’t it Nice to Be Home Again

(Editors note: clearly I wrote this several weeks ago...)

I am back from London and readjusted. It was a crazy trip. I traveled Wednesday leaving at 8am Boston time (meaning I was at the airport at 6, so up at 4). Poor kins. I had to wake him so hub could drive me to the airport. It was also his out as long as he was in date (ish- I might have been a day or two off)- so we took a picture:

And one of the family so I could look at it and sob on my travels.

Actually, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I missed my boys like crazy, but I was so busy and I knew kins was in good hands. I have a wonderful hub who has become a wonderful dad. Plus my parents watched him on weekdays as normal. I did cry at the airport saying bye to him, didn’t help that he started crying when I put him back in his car seat.

I landed at 7 local time and after getting to the hotel and settling in I had dinner and pints with one of my vendors, who is a super nice guy with a 4 year old at home. We talked about kids, sports and work- it was a really nice dinner considering he was a stranger.

We got a baby cam for kins' room and I was able to peek in on kins and hub getting ready for bed, and kins sleeping. It was adorable, most of the time. The first night hub let kins cry for a bit to see if he would put himself to sleep- he did. He wasn’t sobbing, mostly just a fussy cry, but it was REALLY hard for me, watching from London. Then he did the same the next 2 nights. I now seem to have a baby who (mostly) sleeps through the night.

Can you believe it? 9.5 months and he had slept through the night once for me, and 4 times for other people- AKA EVERY time I haven’t been with him overnight. Clearly, it’s me. The night I came home (Saturday) it was already WAY past his bedtime, so he went right to sleep and slept through. The next night he woke once at 2am, starving. He always falls asleep when I BF him.. I think it puts him out before he is full and so he wakes again hungry, only to be BFed to sleep. Vicious cycle. Monday night I filled him up with solids, puffs and the BF, and he slept from 7:30-6:15!!!! AH-MAZE-ING.

Speaking of 9.5 months… I am clearly behind on my 9 month kins date. It’s coming. For some reason blogger stopped uploading pictures from anything but my phone. It’s really annoying and makes my posts few and far between.

Leaving on a Jet Plane #microbloggingMonday

eeeekkkkk


On Wednesday morning I leave for 4 days in London! I am working Thursday and Friday, but should get in some sight-seeing on Wednesday and Saturday. I would be so excited, but I am leaving my boys home :( I have only been away from kins 2 nights, (1 night away twice) both within a few hours drive and only for about 24 hours. Of course, this trip comes just as he's getting really upset when I leave- for work, for the bathroom. AND I was just home sick all but Monday of last week-8 of the last 9 days we were hanging out.


It's going to be odd to be away from Hub, too. We're used to spending time apart- it was as recently as this blog started that we had been apart for more of our relationship than together. I had been teasing him for saying he would miss me when I'm gone for "so long". We realized in the course of that conversation that since he got out of the Army in November 2013, he's only been away one night at a time a handful of times (for work).


Again, I marvel at what a difference a year can make.


Also, kins is sick, thanks to me. Look at these sad eyes :(

He's still cute though:

They Say You Can Never Go Home Again

I want to come back here. It feels odd, knowing this is being read by people I see often in my off-line life. But this is part of my life, too. It's an outlet, a creative space and something that I have made contacts through. Some of those contacts are friends. Even if we haven't met I value them (you). I don't want to leave this community.

I got a message yesterday from someone thanking me for a post. She is facing termination for T18. It was apropos, as I was debating with myself what do do here. It sealed my decision. 

This space will Change, but not disappear. I am slowly reactivating old posts- after proof-reading them. It's difficult to say the least. I am re-reading to remove information about people in my "real" life. That requires a re-read of everything though, and it is not fun to look back on many of my thought and feelings in the last almost-two years.  These were the darkest time of my life, and the best times too.

I can't promise at this point that I'll be here often, or what the content will be. But I invite you to stay on, to read through the happier side of this journey of mine.

If you know me, I will not ask you to leave, I won't even ask you to tell me you're reading (though I think you should). What I do ask is that you read some of the old posts, if you haven't already. I think the reminder of the anguish that was will make the occasional negative emotions expressed here make more sense. I also ask that you remember this is the place I come to vent the negative. This is the place where I feel comfortable doing that.

Here is a sampling of the ones I think are the most important to look back on:

The diagnosis, part one and part two
A few peeks at the sadness
and then infertility
pregnant at last, and the drama of that