Sunday, January 8, 2012

4 Days Later

Somehow, this post was deleted. I am recreating as best I can this post, the very first of my blog. I won't do it justice. I had bits of it copy and pasted, the rest of it is seared in my memory.

I am 4 days past terminating my very much wanted baby. Still crampy, sore and medicated. My baby had trisomy 18, a horrible constellation of physical and mental disabilities caused by a tripling of the 18th chromosome. It is fatal in most fetuses. Of those who survive to full term,  most die in the birth process. If that is survived, 90% die in the first year of life. The 5 year survival rate is less than one percent. These babies usually don't breathe, see, talk, walk or eat on their own. These babies.. my baby. I couldn't sentence my baby to a life of ventilators and surgeries. To die in pain. I did what I could to protect my beloved baby from any pain, fear and suffering. I had to let my Blue Sunday fly. 

Hub and I have been wanting a child for years, but he was away for 2 years over just 2.5 and the timing wasn't right. He came home and settled in and we tried to conceive for 6 months when I realized that I was pregnant on September 18th 201l. I was on a flight on the way to vacation in California to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary. My boobs were heavy and sore, I was exhausted and nauseated. I was 3 weeks and 4 days pregnant and I just knew. I was sitting away from hub on the first crowded plane, just a quick flight then 8 hours to California. I smiled to myself, so pleased in knowing this huge, wonderful secret and dreaming up the perfect way to tell him that we were going to be parents in May.

The perfect time came and went when we were driving through the mountains overlooking a canyon on our way from LA to Palm Springs. We got out to look around at a scenic overlook. We took some pictures of one another in the surreal landscape. I turned to him to tell him he was about to be a dad.. when he asked me if I wanted to sneak over to a secluded spot and do the deed. I declined on the count of cacti and I let the moment pass. When I did tell him the next morning we had a laugh over that. I confirmed the pregnancy with a pee test, 2 ink lines, and that was it. I was going to be a mom.

I wonder if I had told him in the canyon if things would have been different. All through my pregnancy I sang "Sweet Baby James" for my baby there is a line "He works in the saddle and sleeps in the canyon". I can't go 5 minutes without crying....

The end of the pregnancy started the day after Christmas. I got a call from my OB, but I missed it. I called back as hub was leaving for work. The call started out okay, I just didn't think anything could be wrong. She stated with the blood test results were high, 1 and 250 ish for Down Syndrome. I as scared, but thought I could have a baby with DS. But then she said 1:5 for T18. Don't look it up, come in tomorrow for a scan and an amnio. I looked it up. By some tiny blessing, hub forgot his Dunkin Donuts gift card. He called me to let me know he was coming back and that I should run it out to him. I thought  held it together but he asked me a few times if I was ok. When he came back to get it I lost it. I wanted to just tell him when he came home from work, but I just couldn't hold it. He called in to work. I called my parents, who were heartbroken and terrified, but tried to keep it together for me.

That Tuesday I called out of work and went to the OB early in the day. They did the scan, with the other OB who did my NT scan. They were all watching the hands, which are usually clenched in T18 babies, they opened once they told me, but I wonder if they were trying to make me feel better.  I just gripped hubs hand so hard the whole time. They said the legs were measuring short, which was the only issue they saw, and not surprising since hub and me are short. The OB told us unless we would terminate he wouldn't recommend an amnio. I started crying hysterically and through the tears told him we would terminate. But he thought  I said we wouldn't so he started scheduling other appointments. The u/s tech and I kept trying to correct him but it took some time. It was awful.

We did the amnio,  was very painful and scary but there were no complications. Then I just had to wait on results.

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