Friday, January 27, 2012

The "What If" Carousel

Born This Way?
Though in my heart I know I did the right thing, I can't help wondering "What if".

I would have been 22 weeks yesterday.
We would have been starting the nursery this weekend. (Happy side note- my office is finally finished! happy yellow paint in there!)

I was listening to my iPhone's music and having a killer day at work (because of work not because of what's in my head) when Born This Way came on. To refresh your memory:

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Lady Gaga, Born This Way

I love my baby, but what if she/he was on the "right track" and I was not? Of course the next line is:

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Lady Gaga, Born This Way

Can't make it easy, can she? May be I'm on the right track. And what happened to Blue Sunday was just a huge Charlie Foxtrot. I want to emphasize "what happened to Blue Sunday", I don't believe that Blue was the disease, I feel that she/he was separate from it. That this is something that happened to him/her and not all he/she was. I know that is a little point, but it is one that matters, and one that makes it so hard for me. The extra chromosome was added to a baby who would have been wonderful, special., naughty, cute and mine all on his or her own.  I'll never know what that little person was like because of this little extra piece. It's true I suppose- It's the little things.

I was going to end there, but in more signs from my iPhone- it just played for me "Going 'Round One More Time" By the wonderful James Taylor (hearts and flowers to him <3) .

Betty was a little heartbreaker
It didn't quite work out
She did a number on my confidence
I was riddled with self doubt
I said that's it I'm through I quit
Then Juanita she looked so fine.
James Taylor, Going Round One More Time 

Hoping I regain confidence in my eggs and give this mommy thing another go.

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