Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Penultimate Cycle- 8DPO And Now, The End is Near

8DPO was a BFN both FRER and internet cheap-ie. I wasn’t feeling anything, so I didn’t expect a positive.

I am really much sadder than I thought I would be over it. I know it’s early, but again, I have always known early.

I have a well-timed therapy appointment this afternoon. I went two weeks ago for the first time. It was nice to be able to talk about what happened in a fresh way. It sort of made me realize how rough a ride my marriage has been, and was a strong marriage we have. Let me explain:

Married, both become unemployed, get jobs and are working poor, Hub joins army- 15 moths apart, I move home- save money- get promoted, hub comes home, live with in-laws for 6 months- look for a home of our own, hub gets deployed- 12 months apart, I move home again- save money, Hub comes home to house I bought, Hub angry with the world, hub adjusts, try for baby- Pregnant!, termination, try for baby-try for baby- try for baby-try for baby, Finally pregnant, SCARED, BABY!!!!,  try for baby- try for baby- try for baby, ??

That's (almost) 9 years of my life- 104 months. Boiled down to 6 lines of text: 27 months apart, 14 months pregnant, 15 months barely making ends meet, 30 months TTC (10 since bub). That leaves only 18 month doing anything other than those 4 things.

It hasn't been as bad as it might seem from those lines. Hub and I have a great relationship and a lot of love. There were moments of joy, even in the worst of times (8 months into deployment, for example- it has been 4 months since we had been together and would be 4 more before he was home. We spent an hour on skype playing "guess who hub met at war" (Randy Johnson)). We have loved each other a long, long time- yesterday was our date-a-versary (15 years) and our engagement anniversary (11 years). We've never broken up, never spent a night apart in anger, never contemplated a break or a divorce.

So I guess what I'm getting at is: This BFN blows, but I have a great family as-is. We are smaller than I would like, but I can't complaining about the people I have.

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