All in My Head

4/30/12
Cause it’s all in my head
I think about it over and over again

Nelly Featuring Tim McGraw, Over and Over Again

I've been putting off posting because there is just so much going on in my head. I wasn't sure what to put out there, but then I remembered that the point of this blog isn't to sound smart, educated, in control, out of control or grieving- it is to help others in the hellish situation of a poor fetal diagnosis. It is to show other mothers at least one road in this dark place.

In no particular order- my thoughts:

1) Tomorrow is May 1st. I would have been due in May. It is weighing heavily on me. I have been trying not to think in terms of "should have" but it is hard when something is this big. I SHOULD HAVE been a mother in May. I should have been in labor, had a baby, started breast feeding, woken up to tiny (or not so tiny!) wails in the night. And now? Well, I'm planning a canoeing trip.  I'm going bowling with my former co-workers. Hub and I are going to go to Chicago to see the Red Sox play the Cubs. I am trying valiantly to avoid all things Mother's Day, but not doing so well at that. I was ready for my life to change, but not like this.

2) Not only am I not pregnant, AF showed up 3 days early. I feel like such a failure. I know I'm not supposed to think that way, but I do and I want this blog to be an honest account. I know that we had baby-making sex at the right times in the right way to the best of our knowledge and that it just didn't work out. I know that happens to people all the time. I still feel like there must be something I did to fail. As my mom said yesterday when I was having a breakdown, if people had a baby every time they has sex when they were fertile or when they wanted a baby the world  would be way, way overpopulated. It straight up just doesn't happen every time for every couple. I know all this and I am still in a panic. I don't think I have good genes on my side, my parents tried for 11 years with 2 LC to show for it. They used every trick in the 80s baby making book- medication, timing, positions. I was born after 6 years of trying. I can't wait 5 more years. I just can't.

3) I need to lose weight, Hub needs to lose weight. I fear it is affecting our fertility. I never have time. Between work, school, studying, keeping up with the house or friends and each other --there just isn't time in the day. Never mind weeks when I'm 'fertile' and we have to BD daily. I need to find some balance in my life, but haven't managed it yet.

In this vein, I've started an add-one-a-day plan to better myself over these next few weeks. The first day I started walking at least 30 minutes a day, the next I added not drinking soda. I am now up to those two things plus, cutting caffeine to only 2 cups a day, drinking more water, doing a exercise video every other day and giving up alcohol. It is only getting harder, but I am feeling better. Mostly I'm just feeling better about my self, but I think the physical effects are right around the corner.

4) I sat on my sofa yesterday and cried because I miss Blue Sunday. Not because I am sad over the diagnosis, not because I am so sad over what I had to do-- but just because I miss the little spirit that had been growing inside of me. I miss my baby.

It was only December, I still remember 

The plants, the trees and you and me

But you went away

How dare you

I miss you

They say I'll be okay 

But I'm not going to

Ever get over you

Miranda Lambert, Over You

Knocked Down

4/20/12
I had been feeling SO well.

I made it through a Wednesday (the 15th one since our loss) without a tear. I didn't dwell on how far along in my pregnancy I would have been. I was even feeling hopeful about my chances this month! Then.. I fell apart for no reason in particular. Which is both the worst and the best reason, right? I started feeling myself slipping on the ride home, Mrs. Wonderful kept getting negative HPTs and I really wanted them to be positive for her. I got home to an empty house, which I hate. Hub has class on Thursdays and doesn't get in until after 9. I snuggled up on the couch and was looking forward to bad TV and relaxing-- but I was just feeling sad, sad, sad. Hub called on his break for some unknown reason, and I was a blubbering mess. Being a FANTASTIC husband he came home to me.

Today (Friday) has been much better emotion wise, but I am sick as a dog. I wanted to leave work early, but was on call for a meeting that went until 2. Then my bosses boss had a question for me, but asked my to come by at 3. And THEN he scheduled a "meeting" at the bar downstairs at 4:30. I never socialize so I felt obligated to go.   I stayed for about an hour and then had to bomb home to get to the dinner party of a friend, which was fun.

En route, I got a text saying BFN and spotting from Mrs. Wonderful. I just cried and cried. SO. NOT. FAIR. After that my own hopefulness just drained and I said F it and had some wine. Wine + Friends + Really good food + warm night = Improving Mood.

How I feel:

How I want to feel:

Have I mentioned here that I am unable to frown? Ironic right?  At best (worst?) when I'm sad my mouth goes straight, like this:

I think I am missing some muscles in my face. Anyway, frowning really conveys some emotion that you just can't get across very well otherwise.I usually have to rely on crying to show "I'm unhappy" though sometimes it's over-kill. "Wait, what? We're out of soda in the work fridge? Boo Hoo" Frown would have been better. Perhaps this is why people think I'm crazy... or may be that is the fault of picture 2?

Picture 2 is from the a night my best high school friend and I went to see the New Kids on the Block (yes, we've been more than once, and yes, this was from the second night in a row we had seen them. No judgement) . We LOVE them in a way that is probably the wrong side of crazy. We got dressed up in our best 80s gear. Please keep in mind I was 7.5 when the 80s ended.. what do I know?

I get knocked down, but I get back up again

You're never gonna keep me down

Chumbawamba, Tubthumping

Happy Girl

4/17/12
DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a BFP post.

I feel like I am SUCH a downer in this blog. I guess it is to be expected, but I am not like that in real life, not all the time. The first few weeks may be, the terrible time between getting the odds and terminating, assuredly so: but day in, day out I am a happy person. Here are some wonderful things in my life:

• I just completed a BIG project at work. It was a blessing (keeping me busy) and a curse (keeping me busy) but it is wrapping up as the days are lengthening and warming. Back to my usual 9-5 just in time. 

• I have wonderful friends, in real life, through the military chat board, in the "sad baby chat board" and through the baby loss blogs. I went to a cookout last night with hub, my ex-BF (from 12 years ago who no longer "plays for my team" as they say), a guy I've known since before hub  (13 years? eeekk)  and his wife. The best part is that they are "really" hub's friends. We have all known each other so long the lines have blurred and we're just friends.  Over the weekend I hung out with two ladies I have known since we were in kinder-garden 24 years ago. I have daily conversation with Mrs. Wonderful (who is in her first 2WW post loss, wishing her nothing but good luck!). The ladies on "sad baby chat board" really keep me sane. What more could anyone ask for?
• I found an awesome all 90's station on iTunes. yes, that makes the list. I just listened to Genie in a Bottle, Smells Like Teen Spirit and Wannabe. You're jeleous. 
• The sun is out, the trees are blooming, it is IN THE 80s. I know it won't last, but for now dresses and sandals are work-wear. That makes me smile. 
• My hub loves me. Simple, pure love. Not enough people can really say that. 
• My parents would do anything for us, and have. What a gift.
• I'm a year from my Master's degree. I have yet to take a dime in student loans for it (Undergrad is a WHOLE 'nother story)

All this added to the typical things- I'm healthy, relatively young, reasonably attractive and have just enough that I'm comfortable and not so much that I can be stagnant. Though I will be heartbroken if I don't ever have kids, I'll be okay. I can live this life with that missing and still find it worth living.

Also I am in the 2WW and hopeful, though it is only 3-4 DPO and I wouldn't know anything either way.

Leaving off with two perfect songs today:

Oh watch me go 

I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows that the sweetest thing you'll ever see
In the whole wide world is a happy girl

Laugh when I feel like it
Cry when I feel like it
That's just how my life is
That's how it goes

Martina McBride, Happy Girl

When you're troubled and you can't sleep, 

Just count your blessings instead of sheep

and you'll fall asleep

counting your blessing

Bing Crosby, Blessings (From White Christmas)

I AM in Repair

4/12/12
It has been 14 weeks and 1 day. I actually had to count the weeks. I can't believe it has been that long. Yesterday was the first Wednesday that wasn't really hard for me (excluding when I was on vacation, since everyone knows that no one knows what time it is on vacation). Thursdays are hard too, since that was my week change day.   I'd have been 33 weeks today.

That part is getting easier too. I no longer think of Thursdays as how many weeks pregnant I SHOULD be. It hit me all of a sudden last week. I shouldn't be pregnant. I shouldn't have been pregnant for most of the time that I was. Blue Sunday beat the odds in surviving so long, but it never would have changed the outcome. Death, far, far to young. Thursdays are now only how many weeks pregnant I WOULD have been, if there were a different number of chromosomes for Blue Sunday. That is easier to think about.

I am playing that game right now, but in a different way. If I conceive this cycle, I'm 1 week and 6 days pregnant. I should ovulate tomorrow. Hub is leaving for his National Guard duty super early tomorrow morning (or as I like to call it Thursday night) and won't be home until late Sunday. I don't think this is "my" cycle, but hey, it could happen.

We have the same scenario next month, should we need it, so I am setting my sights on a June conception. That gives me 2 months to work on healthy eating (my new kick) and working out (my next kick I hope). I have actually gained weight since my pregnancy ended- the rediscovery of alcohol and vacation are a VERY bad combination for my waistline. Hope to be back into "normal BMI" by the time I conceive.

All in all, I'm feeling better. I am sad I am not 8 months into my pregnancy and preparing to meet my baby. I am sad I am not right on the cusp of motherhood- but there are good things in my life- hub, friends, family, health, the spring and a good job to name a few- I am going to try and think about those things more often.

I'm in repair

I'm not together but I'm getting there

I'm in repair

I'm not together but I'm getting there

John Mayer, In Repair

I've got my toes in the water, ass in the sand

4/7/12

Vacation Re-cap

I don't know about heartaches being healed by the sea, but it most definitely helps when you're there :)

As I mentioned before, Hub and I were a last minute add on to the trip and a surprise for my father. We planned to surprise him at the airport waiting to board the flight. We ended up seeing them at the dunkin donuts while we were checking in-- somehow my dad didn't see us. We ran to security and made it through pretty quickly-- so hid from them in the Boston Beer Works with some breakfast! They ended up getting stuck in security and we made it onto the plane without him knowing we were there. My poor dad is very oblivious and we were literally across the aisle from him as he was loading his luggage into the overhead and Hub, mom and I are all cracking up. Finally he sat and we yelled surprise. The other people on the plane must have been terrified but we were all so excited!

The room was crazy big, usually the rooms are tiny but this fit the 4 of us comfortably. The first few days were rough and cool (we were leaving from NYC so it was expected) we went to a mystery dinner, danced and ice skated! Once it was nice we were out at the pool, or the beach when we were docked. Once we were off the Florida coast or more southern the weather was great.

 

Hub had always wanted to go see the Fort in San Juan, and since that was one of the ports the 4 of us went there. It was really cool (though I didn't like it as much as Hub did) the view was unbelievable.

In St Martin- we went to this crazy beach where the airport is across the street from this beach and the planes literally land 50 feet from your beach chair.

Other than those two things, we mostly laid around on beautiful beaches for the other 3 days. Also ate Mexican and Puerto Rican food-- my favorite. Coming back was choppy- Hub was sick on lobster night- poor thing.

I left dinner early one night and was like "Sorry there is a finish that lyric competition tonight that I have to go win" and everyone laughed at me.. and then I won it!!!! Joke is on them. As I walked into the room they were asking on the mic if anyone wanted to play and I was raising my hand and singing along, but there were a few 100 people there and I didn't think I'd get chosen... but a minute or two later the guy was grabbing my hand and pulling me to the front! They ended up with 3 guys and 3 girls- ladies first. The first girl was out the first round- the other girl and I got our songs correct and she didn't then the next round I got mine and the other girl didn't. Then the guys went. It ended up that the songs were so hard- a lot of old country and not that popular classic rock. Most of the music was from the 60s and 70s and I am not. eeek. You were given the artist and could decide to pass or play. I passed a song by the Doors that he knew, but he missed on When I'm 64. I was down 40 points but ended up coming back and winning with 50. I know I sang Sugar Sugar, Sugar Pie Honey Bunch and Purple Haze (random right?) SO then I had to do 6 round alone to play for prizes- I only got one right (I was so embarrassed) and kept asking the guy did he have anything from the 00, 90s or 80s-- no. I ended up winning all the prizes on the final chance song- These boots are made for walking. I ended up with a nice bag, a (losing) bingo card, a photo album, a hot cup and some random stuff. Also I ended up with friends on the ship since now people recognized me.

The most fun thing on ship was that one night they had what they called a "silent party" they had everyone put on head phones as they went into the club and they had two different DJs on two different stations. So 1/2 the people we dancing to one thing and the other 1/2 something else. They ended up playing two line dance type songs at once and were telling people to lay down on the count of three so it looked really crazy. The funniest thing was that if you took off the headphones, it was quiet in there.. just some people talking or singing along.. to nothing.

All in all we had an awesome time. And I am hoping that the vacation glow can extend to my home life.

Put my ass in the lawn chair, toes in the clay

Not a worry in the world a PBR on the way

Life is good today, Life is god today
Zac Brown Band, Toes

BFN #1

I assume you're interested to know the outcome of TTC cycle #1. BFN. I actually didn't have a very good feeling right from ovulation- so it wasn't a shock really. I was still sad, but I didn't have any symptom. My period even showed up a day early. Perhaps it will be better, since there was some alcohol consumption on vacation. Once I hit CD 9 (Tuesday) I'll put down the booze until a next AF or (hopefully) the delivery of my rainbow baby!

Testing the theory Heartaches are Healed by the Sea

Editor's note: Bad, bad blogger, I wrote this and didn't post it until after I returned:

3/18/2012

I was feelin' the blues
 watching the news
When this fella came on the TV
He said I'm tellin' you
That science has proved
That heartaches are healed by the sea 

Garth Brooks, Two Pina Coladas

Tomorrow I leave for a much needed two week vacation. Hub and I, along with my parents are hitting the Caribbean via cruise ship from NYC for 12 nights. I can't wait! This was a present from my mom to my dad for his 60th birthday. She booked a suite over a year ago and planned to tell him about the vacation and not the accommodations on his birthday 2/6 and have him be surprised by the room on his arrival. Initially I was invited to go, but I was hoping to have a tiny baby at the time of the vacation. It took us a few months to get pregnant, but I should have been 31 weeks along for vacation. Needless to say, I told mom no. Fast-forward to late December and mom told Hub and me she was paying for our fare and to pack our bags. Admittedly, I took advantage of my work and the day I came back from my time out of the office for the termination I asked for another 2 weeks off to go on this trip. Even there are pending deadlines, I was allowed to go. 

I am currently in my fertile period and hoping to come back with news of a BFP. I plan on being conservative in my drinking and  testing early and often so that I can stop entirely if I get a BFP and resume drinking if it is going to be negative. In past pregnancies, I've always known I was pregnant about cycle day 20 or so. Long before a positive test would happen.   That would be a week from tomorrow, fingers crossed to little to no drinking this trip!!

3.18

Today is 3.18- Trisomy 18 day- get it, because there are 3 18th chromosomes? So cute...... 
It makes me angry that there is so little to be DONE about T18. It is a completely random  disorder. There is no educating the potential mothers that will save these kids. There is no money to be raised for research, that will *really* change their lives. It is just a terrible, horrible accident. I wish there was something I could do to ensure this would never happen- but I can't. I feel like having Trisomy 18 day just reminds me of my pain and of my powerlessness.