Monday, April 30, 2012

All in My Head

Cause it’s all in my head
I think about it over and over again
Nelly Featuring Tim McGraw, Over and Over Again

I've been putting off posting because there is just so much going on in my head. I wasn't sure what to put out there, but then I remembered that the point of this blog isn't to sound smart, educated, in control, out of control or grieving- it is to help others in the hellish situation of a poor fetal diagnosis. It is to show other mothers at least one road in this dark place.

In no particular order- my thoughts:

1) Tomorrow is May 1st. I would have been due in May. It is weighing heavily on me. I have been trying not to think in terms of "should have" but it is hard when something is this big. I SHOULD HAVE been a mother in May. I should have been in labor, had a baby, started breast feeding, woken up to tiny (or not so tiny!) wails in the night. And now? Well, I'm planning a canoeing trip.  I'm going bowling with my former co-workers. Hub and I are going to go to Chicago to see the Red Sox play the Cubs. I am trying valiantly to avoid all things Mother's Day, but not doing so well at that. I was ready for my life to change, but not like this.

2) Not only am I not pregnant, AF showed up 3 days early. I feel like such a failure. I know I'm not supposed to think that way, but I do and I want this blog to be an honest account. I know that we had baby-making sex at the right times in the right way to the best of our knowledge and that it just didn't work out. I know that happens to people all the time. I still feel like there must be something I did to fail. As my mom said yesterday when I was having a breakdown, if people had a baby every time they has sex when they were fertile or when they wanted a baby the world  would be way, way overpopulated. It straight up just doesn't happen every time for every couple. I know all this and I am still in a panic. I don't think I have good genes on my side, my parents tried for 11 years with 2 LC to show for it. They used every trick in the 80s baby making book- medication, timing, positions. I was born after 6 years of trying. I can't wait 5 more years. I just can't.

3) I need to lose weight, Hub needs to lose weight. I fear it is affecting our fertility. I never have time. Between work, school, studying, keeping up with the house or friends and each other --there just isn't time in the day. Never mind weeks when I'm 'fertile' and we have to BD daily. I need to find some balance in my life, but haven't managed it yet.

In this vein, I've started an add-one-a-day plan to better myself over these next few weeks. The first day I started walking at least 30 minutes a day, the next I added not drinking soda. I am now up to those two things plus, cutting caffeine to only 2 cups a day, drinking more water, doing a exercise video every other day and giving up alcohol. It is only getting harder, but I am feeling better. Mostly I'm just feeling better about my self, but I think the physical effects are right around the corner.

4) I sat on my sofa yesterday and cried because I miss Blue Sunday. Not because I am sad over the diagnosis, not because I am so sad over what I had to do-- but just because I miss the little spirit that had been growing inside of me. I miss my baby.

It was only December, I still remember 
The plants, the trees and you and me

But you went away
How dare you
I miss you
They say I'll be okay 
But I'm not going to
Ever get over you
Miranda Lambert, Over You

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