Thursday, April 12, 2012

I AM in Repair

It has been 14 weeks and 1 day. I actually had to count the weeks. I can't believe it has been that long. Yesterday was the first Wednesday that wasn't really hard for me (excluding when I was on vacation, since everyone knows that no one knows what time it is on vacation). Thursdays are hard too, since that was my week change day.   I'd have been 33 weeks today.

That part is getting easier too. I no longer think of Thursdays as how many weeks pregnant I SHOULD be. It hit me all of a sudden last week. I shouldn't be pregnant. I shouldn't have been pregnant for most of the time that I was. Blue Sunday beat the odds in surviving so long, but it never would have changed the outcome. Death, far, far to young. Thursdays are now only how many weeks pregnant I WOULD have been, if there were a different number of chromosomes for Blue Sunday. That is easier to think about.

I am playing that game right now, but in a different way. If I conceive this cycle, I'm 1 week and 6 days pregnant. I should ovulate tomorrow. Hub is leaving for his National Guard duty super early tomorrow morning (or as I like to call it Thursday night) and won't be home until late Sunday. I don't think this is "my" cycle, but hey, it could happen.

We have the same scenario next month, should we need it, so I am setting my sights on a June conception. That gives me 2 months to work on healthy eating (my new kick) and working out (my next kick I hope). I have actually gained weight since my pregnancy ended- the rediscovery of alcohol and vacation are a VERY bad combination for my waistline. Hope to be back into "normal BMI" by the time I conceive.

All in all, I'm feeling better. I am sad I am not 8 months into my pregnancy and preparing to meet my baby. I am sad I am not right on the cusp of motherhood- but there are good things in my life- hub, friends, family, health, the spring and a good job to name a few- I am going to try and think about those things more often.

I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there
John Mayer, In Repair

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