Friday, April 20, 2012

Knocked Down

I had been feeling SO well.

I made it through a Wednesday (the 15th one since our loss) without a tear. I didn't dwell on how far along in my pregnancy I would have been. I was even feeling hopeful about my chances this month! Then.. I fell apart for no reason in particular. Which is both the worst and the best reason, right? I started feeling myself slipping on the ride home, Mrs. Wonderful kept getting negative HPTs and I really wanted them to be positive for her. I got home to an empty house, which I hate. Hub has class on Thursdays and doesn't get in until after 9. I snuggled up on the couch and was looking forward to bad TV and relaxing-- but I was just feeling sad, sad, sad. Hub called on his break for some unknown reason, and I was a blubbering mess. Being a FANTASTIC husband he came home to me.

Today (Friday) has been much better emotion wise, but I am sick as a dog. I wanted to leave work early, but was on call for a meeting that went until 2. Then my bosses boss had a question for me, but asked my to come by at 3. And THEN he scheduled a "meeting" at the bar downstairs at 4:30. I never socialize so I felt obligated to go.   I stayed for about an hour and then had to bomb home to get to the dinner party of a friend, which was fun.

En route, I got a text saying BFN and spotting from Mrs. Wonderful. I just cried and cried. SO. NOT. FAIR. After that my own hopefulness just drained and I said F it and had some wine. Wine + Friends + Really good food + warm night = Improving Mood.

How I feel:

How I want to feel:
Have I mentioned here that I am unable to frown? Ironic right?  At best (worst?) when I'm sad my mouth goes straight, like this:
I think I am missing some muscles in my face. Anyway, frowning really conveys some emotion that you just can't get across very well otherwise.I usually have to rely on crying to show "I'm unhappy" though sometimes it's over-kill. "Wait, what? We're out of soda in the work fridge? Boo Hoo" Frown would have been better. Perhaps this is why people think I'm crazy... or may be that is the fault of picture 2?

Picture 2 is from the a night my best high school friend and I went to see the New Kids on the Block (yes, we've been more than once, and yes, this was from the second night in a row we had seen them. No judgement) . We LOVE them in a way that is probably the wrong side of crazy. We got dressed up in our best 80s gear. Please keep in mind I was 7.5 when the 80s ended.. what do I know?

I get knocked down, but I get back up again
You're never gonna keep me down
Chumbawamba, Tubthumping

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