Limbo

*This post was written a week ago, I just hadn't posted yet.

I'm nowhere.

Limbo.

Negative beta at 14DPO, but no sign of my next cycle starting.

It's giving me too much time to think. Thinking isn't getting me anywhere. I am trying not to plan on this (next) cycle failing. If it does, I think we're out of IUI. (I go in tomorrow and hopefully I can convince them that I should do a third IUI- which would me two more tries rather than one).

Otherwise, it's on to IVF.

I still have mixed feelings on this. Hub and I know we'll do the genetic screening on any embryos. He broached the topic of selecting a female if all other things are equal. He would like a daughter and knows that I will be sad if I never have a girl. But, if I chose, I think I would choose another boy. I would love bub to have a close relationship with his sibling- and this is more likely (in my experience) with a same-sex sibling. That leaves us presumably, not sex-selecting- which is fine with both of us- but has sparked an interesting conversation.

This is hopefully an unnecessary discussion, but that's not how I'm feeling. Hub was shocked the IUI failed. I was not. I don't know what that says about me, my mental health or the odds of this working.

Penultimate Cycle-14DPO: Beta

"Hi Lizzy. I'm so sorry, but the test was negative. I'm really sorry."

Penultimate Cycle- 12 DPO: Negativo

I waited to test until today- 12DPO- because I have no positive feeling at all. Even trying to sway my symptom spotting I can't find anything that seems hopeful. Sure enough- blazing FRER negative.

I just feel awful telling hub. I don't think he understands how in tune I am. His response was "may be it's too early?" and then to my insistence I'm not pregnant: "I hope you're wrong. I usually hope you're wrong". I KNOW when I am pregnant, and am fairly sure when I'm not. If I think I might be pregnant and I'm not, it's a symptom of hope and desire that is swaying me. NOT a symptom of pregnancy.

I don't feel like my cycle is starting, but I know I'm not pregnant. Limbo. My favorite.

Penultimate Cycle- 8DPO And Now, The End is Near

8DPO was a BFN both FRER and internet cheap-ie. I wasn’t feeling anything, so I didn’t expect a positive.

I am really much sadder than I thought I would be over it. I know it’s early, but again, I have always known early.

I have a well-timed therapy appointment this afternoon. I went two weeks ago for the first time. It was nice to be able to talk about what happened in a fresh way. It sort of made me realize how rough a ride my marriage has been, and was a strong marriage we have. Let me explain:

Married, both become unemployed, get jobs and are working poor, Hub joins army- 15 moths apart, I move home- save money- get promoted, hub comes home, live with in-laws for 6 months- look for a home of our own, hub gets deployed- 12 months apart, I move home again- save money, Hub comes home to house I bought, Hub angry with the world, hub adjusts, try for baby- Pregnant!, termination, try for baby-try for baby- try for baby-try for baby, Finally pregnant, SCARED, BABY!!!!,  try for baby- try for baby- try for baby, ??

That's (almost) 9 years of my life- 104 months. Boiled down to 6 lines of text: 27 months apart, 14 months pregnant, 15 months barely making ends meet, 30 months TTC (10 since bub). That leaves only 18 month doing anything other than those 4 things.

It hasn't been as bad as it might seem from those lines. Hub and I have a great relationship and a lot of love. There were moments of joy, even in the worst of times (8 months into deployment, for example- it has been 4 months since we had been together and would be 4 more before he was home. We spent an hour on skype playing "guess who hub met at war" (Randy Johnson)). We have loved each other a long, long time- yesterday was our date-a-versary (15 years) and our engagement anniversary (11 years). We've never broken up, never spent a night apart in anger, never contemplated a break or a divorce.

So I guess what I'm getting at is: This BFN blows, but I have a great family as-is. We are smaller than I would like, but I can't complaining about the people I have.

I am the Master of my Fate

I graduated!!!

Woo hoo. Master's complete.

I have no intention of going back to school for a formal degree ever again, so this was my last trip across the stage. A little more bittersweet than I imagined this moment would be.

It was pretty amazing to have not just my parents there, and not just my husband (who was my fiancee at my last graduation) but also my little son! I'll have to update later - I only have my cell phone pictures uploaded to the computer so far.

I am the master of my fate,

     I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley, Invictus

IUI #1

Lots to catch up on here!

On Monday (link) I got a call that sounded like good news just from the tone of the nurse that called. She said I was surging on my own and didn’t need the trigger shot. Since I was mid-surge, I went in the following day (yesterday) for the IUI. This was a lucky break, since I had a vendor flying in for a meeting Wednesday and would have had to cancel the IUI if it was scheduled for today. So I didn’t have to trigger, but this also means I can’t obsessively test every day. Boo. I am going to try to hold out for 10DPO (Friday, May 22). I’ll let you know how I do.

The IUI was interesting. My clinic has hub produce the sample at home. I think this was something I mentioned way back at the first SA. We then have 90 minutes to get it to the clinic (which needed to be before 9am), I then had my appointment at 10. I was nervous and so hub and I did the whole thing together. We went for breakfast in between drop off and shoot up.

When we got into the room I had to identify the sample- it was labeled with hub’s info- but before I saw that I made a joke about not recognizing it. Then we got an explanation of the procedure and were left for me to get changed.  There were some weird porn magazines We laughed at those. When they came back in they placed the speculum, like for a PAP but it was unusually uncomfortable- could they have opened it further than usual? Then they placed a very thin catheter and inserted the fluid. I started cramping immediately and continued to cramp all day- and into today. Far more uncomfortable than I expected. It was over quickly though and I went to work like usual (though late).

Now here I am at one day post O.

Ugh.

CD13 Penultimate Cycle Update

This cycle is not rolling out how I hoped.

I had my follicle check Sunday morning (yesterday) at 7am. I have mentioned before, I hate the office I need to go to for weekend appointments.  I have had an issue every time I’ve gone there. Yesterday, I had an awful blood draw. It took multiple sticks, was really slow-flowing and the angle she finally managed to get the vein with the needle really hurt. Now I have a bruise.

Usually, my ultrasound tech is a super nice woman show talks through the whole thing. The woman I had yesterday was the opposite, she kept giving me pieces of information and then telling me she wasn’t supposed to say anything and stopping. I was left with some half pieces of information. Rather than attempt to recreate the whole conversation here are some nuggets:

Left side:

Hmmmm Did you take your medication this cycle? (yes) All of it? (yes) As prescribed? (yes)

Lots of follicles to work with, I call them starters. Hopefully they’ll turn into mature follicles.

Right side:

Do you have a history of cycts?

Did you have an ultrasound to look for cysts at the start of the cycle?

Here’s a good one.

I think you have 3, or may be 2 with a cyst.

I’ll put it in both ways- with 2 and with 3 your doctor can decide how to handle it.

So I left thinking: A: I have a cyst B: I have may be three mature follicles C: Or 2? I know a couple (IRL) that had triplets after an IUI. I will skip the IUI this month if I have 3 mature.  This was Hub and my mother’s day morning breakfast talk.

We took bub on a “hike” (strenuous walk) and when we reached the top didn’t my phone ring (ooohhh side note- I finally replaced my phone that was lost MONTHS ago. So I don’t have to call in to my voice mail and then call the clinic back).

Here’s what they said (as best as I can remember): E2 260 (two sixty something or may be it was in the 360s) 25mm follicle or cyst. One at 18mm (I think that’s what she said), nothing about a third. She told me I had to go back in for an ultrasound this morning. UGH. At least it was the good office.

Though far from the worst mother’s day I’ve ever had that was a bummer.)

I went in this morning, not knowing if I needed blood work- I just put myself on the blood work list. I was called back for US first- by the woman I like. She read me the doctor’s note and it did say they needed to make the determination based on today’s E2. She did the US, didn’t mention the 18mm follicle (or the rumored 3rd follicle), but did say there was a 25mm.

So not sure if that is rounding or measurement error and it went up of down a mm? If it is a cyst and isn’t growing (or shrinking)?  

We would have a chance if I’ve already ovulated, but obviously it’s a small chance since I haven’t  gotten pregnant on perfectly timed cycles.

Fingers crossed for a good call this afternoon. 

Chugging Along- Penultimate Cycle Updates

CD7.

Things are going along as expected. I take my last 2 pills tonight and then have my follicle check Sunday morning at 7 am.

Sunday is Mother's Day. Can't think of a better place to spend Mother's Day morning. As always, Thank goodness for bub. In all seriousness, that's a special hell- fertility clinic on Mother's Day.

Hub and I joined the town's fancy gym (2 salt water pools, 5 studios for classes, huge cardio and weight rooms, hot tub and sauna in the locker rooms etc). They have free childcare and awesome activities for bub. Hoping it's a kick start to better fitness for both of us. Likely, it's just going to go to waste and we'll need to remortgage our house. Or worse- we'll go to the guy, drop bub in the baby center- and go sit in the hot tub. (but soooooo nice, right?)

We also got Fitbits last week and are in fierce competition with each other and our friends. I've lost 2+ pounds. Hub is down 3+. I have 6 more to lose in 4 weeks to meet my goal. Feeling good about it, actually!

Acupuncture appointment set for Tuesday. That is my projected IUI day. I also set up a therapy appointment for tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. I found a hippy place, full of female mental health specialists- many of whom focus on IF. They pitch themselves as a wellness center- I like that. When scheduling the appointment I told them about Blue Sunday- there wouldn't be much worse than getting shamed/judged in therapy, right? Of course, I also told them about bub, about TTC again and likely hitting the end of the road.

Bagggggggagggge.

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