Tuesday, May 1, 2012

First Day of May

Not so much...

Ha ha ha ha
People are laughing
Children are singing
Come join the dance
James Taylor, First Day of May

I knew that this day would be hard. The very first day of the month I would have been due. This morning I woke up in a foul mood. It is raining, which suited me but it is a work day, which didn't suit me at all. I realized way, way too late that I should have arranged for a work from home day. I won't make the same mistake for Thursday May 31st. Until then, I'll be making a herculean effort to keep myself in control, productive and show as little of the puffy eyes as possible.  

Today I found myself crying in my office with my door closed again, like I did that first week- who am I kidding? - like I did that first month. I am just so sad. I can't make it into something deep or eloquent or meaningful. I am sad, I miss my baby. I'm not sure of the word that fits between those to phrases. Is it: I am sad because I miss my baby. I am sad and I miss my baby. I am sad that I miss my baby. Or I miss my baby because I'm sad.. but I think that is wrong. I am sad today, and I miss Blue Sunday more.. but I don't think that is why I miss. 

Other Blogs, Part I

I like to stumble around depressed people's blogs. At least, blogs that depress me. I'm not sure why I do this. It either makes me very, very sad or equally very, very angry. I'm not in an angry mood today, so I'll save that for a day I feel like ranting. I usually start with a medical termination blog and jump on their blog reading list until I end up at something meeting my criteria- 1) sad 2) child related 3) long enough to tell a story 4) written in passable grammar with a good 'voice' to it. Sometimes I read blogs of people who have lost children after birth, have kids with serious, debilitating disabilities, kids with cancer or something else awful and I think "I hope something awful never happens to me" and it takes a minute for me to remember that something awful DID happen to me. I hate when the child suffers, too. It breaks my heart to see the kid before whatever went wrong happened.  

Today I read a blog of a woman who's 2 year old died suddenly and now she has cancer. I was sobbing. I can't say it makes me feel better about my own loss, because it doesn't at all, but it reminds me that there are all kinds of people with their own sorrow and loss and fear. I hope that I am able to help someone feel that connection, however awful the circumstance it needs to be to connect over this. More than anything else, I think humans are here to help each other find kinship. I hope that someone finds kinship with me.

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