Due Date

It's here, at long last- May 31st 2012. The day I began counting down toward on September 18th 2011 on a plane high over the Rocky Mountains. Even before I had confirmation or told my husband we were going to be parents. Today is my due date.

I didn't go to work today. After I choked up there yesterday when telling a co-worker I might miss a meeting because I was anticipating needing to leave early people remembered what today would have been and I was told to work from home.

I didn't have too bad of a day until the last hour or so with one short cry while watching the news. Now I'm sitting in my living room, sweaty from a run, planning on an exercise video listening to "Like Everyone She Knows" on repeat and bawling like a baby.

It's not that she's so sad
She always was a happy soul
But lately she gets to wonder to herself
What's the good of going on anymore?
.....
Hold tight to your heart's desire
Never, ever let it go
Let nobody fool you into giving it up too soon
Tend your own fire, lay low and be strong
Wait a while (wait it out)
wait it on out (wait it out)
it'll come along
James Taylor, "Like Everyone She Knows"

If you don't know this song, I really recommend a listen. It is one of James Taylor's best, the music is gorgeous. The lyrics are haunting.

I am hoping tomorrow is a re-birth for me. I've put together a work out plan and am doing day one today. I have my HSG tomorrow. I should O in in the next few days. I no longer expect to get pregnant this month- though we'll try. I think I need to get healthy first- which at this point means losing 20 pounds or so. First goal is losing 2 and proving to myself that I can do it.

I had planned to give birth to the song "Beautiful Day" by U2. I can't believe how far I am from that tonight.

I hope my Blue Sunday knew the depth of my love. If there is anything after this life I hope that I will be forgiven by my baby, I do hope Blue Sunday would understand and would have wanted to be spared a horribly flawed life on earth. I wish I had a way of knowing. Once I settle from this crying jag, I'll do some yoga, walk my dog and then sing Blue Sunday the song I started singing for him right after I found out I was pregnant - Sweet Baby James. The cowboy lullabye.

Hopeful

Usually making a positive post is the kiss of death (remember my Signs post, followed the next morning with SD1?). I am going to try it again though. Ever the optimist (snort).

I just had an awesome talk with my OB, who I still love.

She told me that MDs no longer put so much focus on the length of the lutel phase as they did in the past and that it isn't usually enough to be a problem on its own. This was a relief and made some sense- Mrs. Wonderful is pregnant (with doubling betas!) and her LP was 9 days usually.  OB asked me how long it took to conceive Blue Sunday- 2 months really trying, 6 if you count not preventing. She felt that that may have set me up with some unrealistic expectations, that it can take perfectly healthy couples a year. She also said that I am too early for an infertility work-up, but that there are some things that she can look into because of the surgery. I took this to mean that she can take a look in fear that the surgery broke me. I have a blood test tomorrow morning before work (CD3)  and then an ultrasound a week from tomorrow- CD10. That will look to see if my tubes are open and my uterus looks normal. It is called a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). I am excited at the prospect of making sure all is well in there, but I have to go to the same U/S room (there is only one) and the same U/S tech (ditto) as I did for the Level II scan and amnio with Blue Sunday. It will be the day after I would have been due. 

Hawthorne Effect

I am assuming that I have mentioned, but I am too lazy to check, that I am getting my Master's in Public Health. Yes, this is a dorky, crunchy, hippy, liberal thing to do- I am aware that I don't quite fit the mold, but I do like it and it is very interesting. Once of the topics we cover (ad nauseam) is types of bias that can arise when conducting studies. One is called the Hawthorne Effect. The Hawthorne Effect was first found (and the named coined) when a researcher analyzed and older study done at a production plant called Hawthorne Works. Researchers wanted to see if workers were more productive in high or low levels of light. The study showed that workers were more productive when the study was taking place and less productive before and after the study was in session. Essentially the Hawthorne Effect is someone is participating in a study reacting  more positively than  they would had they not been a participant, purely because they are under study. 

Why am I telling you this? I needed to study and I thought it would be good to type it all out :)

Just kidding, actually, I am hoping this blood work and the HSG provide me with Hawthorne Effect and gets me pregnant this cycle. There is evidence that women become pregnant after HSG when compared to other women. The study I read was from 1993, so I am not going to bother linking it, but there is anecdotal evidence all over the internet. Is this real? May be, but if I get pregnant with a sticky, healthy embryo that turns into a baby for me to raise I really don't care WHY I got pregnant.  

Nerves

5/24/12
I just called my OB and got her (usually rather rude but okay today) receptionist. After a 10 minute wait to tell her what was going on, I gave the 1 minute version of my life in the past 5 months-

"Hi I'm Lizzy. I have a question for the doctor and am hoping you can pass it on to the doctor?" She confirms and I continue "I terminated back in January for a chromosomal disorder. I've been trying to get pregnant again for 4 cycles and haven't succeeded yet.  I've had 5 cycles since terminating and am tracking ovulation. The time between ovulation and starting my period is really short. This month was only 9 days. I looked on the internet, not the best source of info I know, and it seems like that is a bad thing. I hoped to ask the doctor if this is a problem."

In all that, I I think it is funny that I felt obligated to add "for a chromosomal abnormality" to "I terminated back in January". This woman doesn't care. At all. She is nice in person but isn't a phone person.. unfortunate seeing 1/2 of her job is to answer the phone. She can probably construe that there was something wrong with my baby if I am trying to conceive again. Honestly, she probably would have remembered me by the timeline anyway, and she would have seen it when she pulls my file. I guess I am still in the "wants to tell everyone that Blue Sunday was here and mattered" part.

Anyway... wanted to update while I waaaaaiiiiiittttttt for a call back. Anxious; not really sure why.

I'll leave you with this throw-back:

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready

Eminem, Lose Yourself

SD5????

5/23/12

What's Goin' On, Marvin?

So Monday was not CD 1, just spotting day 3 (SD3). I am now on SD5 and STILL not CD1. What the hell does THIS mean?

I am going to call the doctor tomorrow or once BFRB starts for real, which ever comes first.

 Other People's Thoughts

I read an interesting blog completely unrelated to the BLM community.  I've been feeling like I'm wallowing and want to move beyond that a bit, so instead of BLMing it up on lunch I read about debt reduction in this Blog. To summarize: smart, handsome, well spoken guy realizes that he is 90k in debt after getting his MBA at Harvard Business School (I told you he is smart). He has an excellent job, a home, 3 vehicles- basically living the bachelor version of the American Dream but doesn't want to pay a kigillion dollars in interest and decides he's going to pay off all his loans in 10 months. He certainly has more at his disposal than most (5 figure bonus and stocks to sell being just two of them) but he does some admirable things: cutting entertainment spending, taking on roommates, starting a business. He relates this gem from a professor of his at HBS:

Everybody juggles five fragile balls throughout their lives–health, family, career, friends, and spirit–and the goal, she said, is to not drop and break any of those balls. Because of the training HBS provides its students, the career ball of somebody with a Harvard MBA–all else being equal–is a little bit tougher than the other four balls, and it even has some bounce to it. These properties of the ball allow the juggler to shift some of his/her focus to the other balls more so than one otherwise might have been able to without the MBA. The logic is that if s/he accidentally drops the career ball, the recovery would probably be easier than if one were to drop a different ball.

 
This is interesting to both sides of me:

This first angle is "Lizzy the academic" (though no Harvard grad, I am in the process of attaining a Master's and damn proud of it). My career ball is getting bouncier by the minute, however it is a VERY valuable ball and Lizzy the academic over-values it. It is like I was confused on pick-a-ball day and accidentally went for a Faberge Egg. That it was such an investment- monetarily, time-wise and mentally- I don't want to stop focusing on it, though I do understand that I can bounce back should it drop. I've made an investment in my education and career and part of the reward of that is that I get to focus slightly less on my career ball since it takes care of itself a little bit. I have earned the right to glance away from it from time to time and nurture other things- like my Quest For a Family. But because I invested so much in it, Lizzy the academic can't quite tear herself away.

Then there is Lizzy the human, she can't imagine putting friends and family in the same rotation with something so silly as career and so intrinsic as spirit. My spirit relies on friends and family, at least that gets me down to four- I'm a bad juggler; literally and figuratively. My family ball is rock solid, though small. Hub and I are best friends and each other's strength. We would have loved for Blue Sunday to be here to expand that ball, but we won't drop it because things went badly. Our extended families are wonderful (though a bit crazy). Of friend ball is huge, bounces like a SuperBall from Fun Spot and I don't worry about it in the least. I might be in the position to drop a ball or two right now, but that one stays up all on its own. So now we're down to 4- health, family, friends and career. Career ball academic Lizzy handles, possibly a little too well. Family and friends are important and carefully tended in the rotation.  Health is a strange ball to me and I was struggling with it when I initially read this analogy. Health doesn't take nearly the time as career, family or friends. Even if you did an hour of exercise a day and spent extra time making wholesome food, it doesn't take 10 hours a week. How does it get its own ball. Then I thought about all the time spend on TTC- I guess that is health, especially given Blue Sunday's diagnosis leading to my new circumstances. Then I realized- I have been slacking on my health ball. I've gained weight, I keep saying I'll do yoga and stress less and I don't. I have no respect for the health ball and it shows.

The thing about this analogy is that it doesn't give much credence to the fact that the balls are largely inter-related. My health ball is affecting my family ball (still not pregnant), family ball is affecting friends ball (sad and busy TTC) and career ball (sad) all this affects spirit ball BIG TIME. Once one ball starts slipping it's like you have only a few choices: 1) drop the ball and hope that it a) bounces up high enough that you can grab it and get it back into the rotation, thereby disrupting nothing b) bend over and pick it up when everything else is flying high, drop one ball for a bit everything else okay- may be or 2) stop juggling, just for a second, before you drop anything and get everything re-situated. It will disrupt things just a bit- but better than risking losing everything, right?

I don't think this is how the professor who crafted this analogy meant for it to be interpreted, but that's okay- this resonates with me. This was a big revelation for me and I wanted to include this analogy herein case someone else needed a wake-up.

The wonder ball

Goes round and round

to pass it quickly

you are bound

The Wonder Ball, Unknown

Cycle Day One

One More Month

I started spotting Saturday.
The day that was most likely to have implantation.
I had a little hope, but it's kept up; the spotting, not the hope.
I'm out.

There is no greater disappointment than the first red spots when TTC. It always feels to me like a little death. A little life was not started, that 1/31/13 baby will never exist. My egg and one of hub's 10^ to the something  sperm didn't hit it off. Perhaps egg was in acting a little silly that day and made fun of sperm's tail, or sperm ended up being a nasty bigot. Or may be it was something else, may be everything worked out between them and my body failed- or the chromosomes didn't copy in a way that could lead to implantation. Whatever it was, things didn't work out and I, for another month, am a childless mother.

It isn't on the scale of Blue Sunday, of course, but it is a passing of sorts, and I do grieve.

Each month I feel like I am past the point that I am able to calculate an estimated due date, join a hopeful birth club, eagerly count the days until end of BFRB, O, testing, the last of which I never make it to because of the early spotting.

These rough days at the start of every cycle are the most wearing of them all. They are filled with promises- I'll eat better, work out more, stress less, sleep 8 hours a day, quit alcohol and do yoga. This time, I hope I keep them. If today is an indication, I won't be doing very well. I've eaten a giant cookie, Fritos, peanut butter pretzels (which I don't even like) and a coke (which supposedly hurts conception chances). But it is CD1, and I damn well need it today.

I won't be pregnant on my EDD. Now I have just one chance to create a child that would not have existed without my Blue Sunday's passing. I should ovulate 4 days after my EDD. I'll think about the logistics of that later.

If there's one thing I have said
Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed
As the four winds blow, my wits through the door
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Flogging Molly, The Worst Day Since Yesterday

I See the Signs?

5/18/12


According to www.countdowntopregnancy.com the most common day for me to have implantation is tomorrow- May 19th 2012- 12 years to the day of my first "date" with hub.  I say "date" since we went to my prom as acquaintances, not even friends. We fell in like that night, it converted to love about two months later and hasn't left up since. Could this be a sign?

I feel less hopeless today than I have the rest of the month. I did have a BFN this morning, though at 9DPO and prior to most of the possible implantation days it doesn't mean much. I attribute my hopefulness to this happy coincidence of timing and to news I got this morning- a very faint BFP for Mrs. Wonderful! Her blood test was inconclusive, but at 11DPO that isn't a surprise, she needs to go back in Monday- a long weekend for sure!



I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
Ace of Base, The Sign

I Need Somebody, Help

5/17/12

Not Just Anybody, Help

I think I need some advice, I know many of the readers here have TFMR and may be you have some experience.

I was alone with OPG earlier this week. It was incredibly awkward for both of us. At first we didn't really say anything to one another, eventually I got the courage to ask her how she is feeling (tired and forgetful). I told her she looks great, and she does. All round in her belly. She is only three weeks further along than I was on my last day of pregnancy. What a difference a healthy baby makes! She was much bigger than I was at the same time in our pregnancies, and now she is easily double as big as I ever got. She changed the subject and we talked as others came in. The conversation between us faltered and others were soon asking about her big "gender scan" that just happened last week. I felt myself starting to cry. I know she noticed. I excused myself and got some water to compose myself.

I feel like SUCH a bitch. Really I do. I didn't ask how the baby is, when she's due or if it is a boy or a girl. I want to tell her that I am happy for her, because I really am, and that I really hope everything works out wonderfully for her. I just know I can't do this in person.. Do you think it would be okay to write her an e-mail saying something like "I know that I must seem uninterested in your pregnancy. I am really happy for you and your husband. I'm just not to the point that I can talk about pregnancies at work. Everything that happened is still so fresh. Please know that I am not avoiding you out of anything other than keeping my emotions in check in public"

That sounds worse written out than it did in my head. I Feel like I need to say something, but I don't know what. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me, and I want her to know I care. May be if I just left it at the first two lines and then say something like "After my situation, I value the miracle of pregnancy that much more and I am so glad that you're having this experience. Congratulations."

I liked it better when I worked with all men, older women and one awful young woman who will forever be single because she's a shrew. May be some day I'll tell you about her. AWFUL.


EDIT 10/3/14- So I am reading back through these in an effort to republish them. I have NO IDEA who I am talking about here- the shrew, not OPG.

I'm Feeling Down

I'm 8DPO today and don't feel hopeful in the least. I haven't POAS and don't plan to until Sunday, and even that might not happen. Why waste it? Last month I had every symptom in the book, and nothing but BFNs, so who knows... may be this is a variation on the old "No news is good news" adage. I think that I am struggling because Blue Sunday's EDD is just 2 weeks from today. I think I'll be taking that day off from work, but haven't decided yet. 

This is the last pregnancy picture I took, literally 30 minutes before I got the call with the 1:5 odds. I was just starting to have a little belly. It didn't get bigger over the next week and 2 days. Excuse my face, I didn't know it would be the last picture and I have no make up and a case of pregnancy acne.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

The Beatles, Help

 

Grumpy ranting

5/11/12

I would have been due 3 weeks from yesterday. 

Today I came into work and overheard a conversation about one co-worker's brand new niece. Then they started talking about how office pregnant girl (OPG) is finding out the gender today. Another co-worker joins in and starts talking about his wife's pregnancy (now 30 weeks along). Everyone is talking about baby clothes and baby things and how exciting of a day this is for OPG. As I sit in my office crying. Sickly, I wanted someone to come in and see me.

I find that lately I want to bring up my loss all the time. One example: I was at a fundraiser and was in polite small talk with the mother of a friend of mine (who is marrying an even closer friend of mine in November). We know each other but not well. I found myself saying "When I was pregnant" because you know what? I was pregnant. I was never a mother, but I sure as hell was pregnant. That it ended badly doesn't change that fact. So I was talking about that and said "I ended up losing the baby at 19 weeks". Just as if I was saying "I like cheese" (Which I do... a lot). And she says "my daughter-in-law lost one at 20 weeks". How refreshing. I was glad someone acknowledged that late losses happen.

Other Blogs, Part 2  

Okay, I know that I mentioned here that I like to stumble around the blogs of the babylost and friends club and also that I had a rant about something I find there. Today is rant day since I am not feeling very happy and ranting suits me. I know this is going to come across as rude and probably judgmental. If you want to think I'm all sunshine and roses please skip.

I want stop here and take the space to say that, though I know I can come across as anti-CTT, I am not. I'm not a hypocrite. I don't slam your decision, I think that is wrong for those of us in the shit situation of poor prenatal diagnosis to pick on one another.  In nearly every situation is support those that CTT, but I have exceptions for everything (except that I have exceptions for everything- haha).  I also don't support TFMR in every case, just so you know.

(Gone yet people who want to keep loving me? Okay, moving on)

Today is about the anger I feel when I read the sanctimonious drivel of those that continued pregnancies and have children who are seriously disabled/ suffering or dead because of a fatal, prenatally diagnosed condition and then go on to bash people who made the choice to terminate or, in their language, kill their baby. This IS NOT about people who don't bash what I did and CTT, and yes, you have to say something to the effect of "I am anti-TFMR" for this to be about you. In good, true Bostonian fashion I say to them- Go Fuck Yourself. (Told you you wouldn't like this!) 

I have yet to find a blog of a parent who CTT a baby with T18 who wasn't preaching religion at me and saying that it is their deity's blessing on them to give them a very sick and dying child. Then saying that anyone who TFMR is evil and a sinner and going against deity's will, dooming themselves to hell.  I have yet to find the blog of a parent who TMFRed a baby with T18 who was preaching that anyone who CTT is evil and going to burn in hell for continuing a doomed pregnancy.  

I find it very sad that that most judgmental people I've come across on the internet about this issue are those that claim to follow the teachings of Jesus. Jesus, who said "Love thy neighbor as thyself". They judge the TFMR parents and very few people judge them. They say we're killers, and we say about them "they did what they thought was best". You know what? I'm judging you. I think you're hypocrites. I think you are scared and hurt and chose to defend your decision by bringing others down.  You defend your decision to CTT by citing a book that you don't bother to follow in the smaller moments of life. Judgement isn't for you to pass (according to your book) it's for your deity. Perhaps you should start back at the beginning, you missed some points.

They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore.
Everlast, What It's Like

International Bereaved Mother's Day

5/7/12
I spent yesterday blissfully unaware that it was International Bereaved Mother's Day. Today, when I looked at my BLM blogs, I saw not only that this day of remembrance exists, but that I had missed it.

I say that I was blissfully unaware because I don't know how I feel about this day. I understand the idea behind it, a special day for the moms whose children are not here here to give her the burnt toast and runny eggs they made for the very first time, all by themselves. Her child is not here to get red marker all over the carpet, the table, himself as he made her a  messy but oh-so-adorable card. Her baby is not here to give her a lopsided smile. My Baby is not here to simply spit up on me. Our children are not here. And they never will be. Thanks for the reminder: a holiday of absence, a holiday of hell.

If I chose to think about my self as a mother- which I do not- I would want to be remembered on Mother's Day. Why does it have to be separate? Is this the 60s all over again?

Oblivious mom- "Separate but equal!" the active mother chides me, face buried in the chubby cheeks and snot nose of her little one.
Superior mom- "Don't want these crying, empty-armed, brokenhearted women sniveling here while I, the real mother, am enjoying this vase full of dandelions"
Me- "They are weeds by the way, excuse me while I remove myself to a corner to go cry. My day was last week anyway. I got nothing from Blue Sunday, he's already given me all I'll ever get of him".  That will put her in her place.

I am still supposed to ask those actively mothering someone small and earthly how mother's day was for them, if the kids came across with any nice bling? There is nothing to ask me about my International Bereaved Mother's Day I suppose. How awkward would that be "Did you have a nice time crying alone again Sunday?" Yes, yes I did.

Look, even Newsweek is mocking me:

 

I hate summer, winter, fall and spring

Red and yellow, purple, blue and green, I hate everything

George Strait, I Hate Everything

First Day of May

Not so much...

Ha ha ha ha
People are laughing
Children are singing
Come join the dance

James Taylor, First Day of May

I knew that this day would be hard. The very first day of the month I would have been due. This morning I woke up in a foul mood. It is raining, which suited me but it is a work day, which didn't suit me at all. I realized way, way too late that I should have arranged for a work from home day. I won't make the same mistake for Thursday May 31st. Until then, I'll be making a herculean effort to keep myself in control, productive and show as little of the puffy eyes as possible.  

Today I found myself crying in my office with my door closed again, like I did that first week- who am I kidding? - like I did that first month. I am just so sad. I can't make it into something deep or eloquent or meaningful. I am sad, I miss my baby. I'm not sure of the word that fits between those to phrases. Is it: I am sad because I miss my baby. I am sad and I miss my baby. I am sad that I miss my baby. Or I miss my baby because I'm sad.. but I think that is wrong. I am sad today, and I miss Blue Sunday more.. but I don't think that is why I miss. 

Other Blogs, Part I

I like to stumble around depressed people's blogs. At least, blogs that depress me. I'm not sure why I do this. It either makes me very, very sad or equally very, very angry. I'm not in an angry mood today, so I'll save that for a day I feel like ranting. I usually start with a medical termination blog and jump on their blog reading list until I end up at something meeting my criteria- 1) sad 2) child related 3) long enough to tell a story 4) written in passable grammar with a good 'voice' to it. Sometimes I read blogs of people who have lost children after birth, have kids with serious, debilitating disabilities, kids with cancer or something else awful and I think "I hope something awful never happens to me" and it takes a minute for me to remember that something awful DID happen to me. I hate when the child suffers, too. It breaks my heart to see the kid before whatever went wrong happened.  

Today I read a blog of a woman who's 2 year old died suddenly and now she has cancer. I was sobbing. I can't say it makes me feel better about my own loss, because it doesn't at all, but it reminds me that there are all kinds of people with their own sorrow and loss and fear. I hope that I am able to help someone feel that connection, however awful the circumstance it needs to be to connect over this. More than anything else, I think humans are here to help each other find kinship. I hope that someone finds kinship with me.