Monday, May 21, 2012

Cycle Day One

One More Month

I started spotting Saturday.
The day that was most likely to have implantation.
I had a little hope, but it's kept up; the spotting, not the hope.
I'm out.

There is no greater disappointment than the first red spots when TTC. It always feels to me like a little death. A little life was not started, that 1/31/13 baby will never exist. My egg and one of hub's 10^ to the something  sperm didn't hit it off. Perhaps egg was in acting a little silly that day and made fun of sperm's tail, or sperm ended up being a nasty bigot. Or may be it was something else, may be everything worked out between them and my body failed- or the chromosomes didn't copy in a way that could lead to implantation. Whatever it was, things didn't work out and I, for another month, am a childless mother.

It isn't on the scale of Blue Sunday, of course, but it is a passing of sorts, and I do grieve.

Each month I feel like I am past the point that I am able to calculate an estimated due date, join a hopeful birth club, eagerly count the days until end of BFRB, O, testing, the last of which I never make it to because of the early spotting.

These rough days at the start of every cycle are the most wearing of them all. They are filled with promises- I'll eat better, work out more, stress less, sleep 8 hours a day, quit alcohol and do yoga. This time, I hope I keep them. If today is an indication, I won't be doing very well. I've eaten a giant cookie, Fritos, peanut butter pretzels (which I don't even like) and a coke (which supposedly hurts conception chances). But it is CD1, and I damn well need it today.

I won't be pregnant on my EDD. Now I have just one chance to create a child that would not have existed without my Blue Sunday's passing. I should ovulate 4 days after my EDD. I'll think about the logistics of that later.

If there's one thing I have said
Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed
As the four winds blow, my wits through the door
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Flogging Molly, The Worst Day Since Yesterday


  1. Hi there...I am a new follower. I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks back in September.
    I do have a 5 year old daughter, but am also trying to conceive again and I can totally related to the that disappointment of the "first red spots" of your cycle beginning :-( Just went through this the other day (and once a month for the past 6 months). It's like, every time you go to the bathroom, you are saying please, please don't let there by any red spots.
    I can also related to how at the start of your cycle, you work out more, stress less, etc, etc etc!!!!!!
    Anyway, I had to comment b/c I can so totally relate to the things you are saying about TTC. Best of luck in your endeavor!!!!!!!!!

  2. Hi Katy, I am so sorry for the loss of your younger daughter.
    I'm glad this is relate-able... for both of us. I love reading when someone posts something that I feel and I love when something I write touches a reader-- for the same reasons; I like not feeling so alone.
    I hope we both conceive a beautiful, healthy baby we get to raise ASAP!

  3. Cheers to healthy babies conceived soon!!

  4. Hi Lizzythom,
    I'm so sorry that this will not be your month. I don't know why this journey has to be so hard, but I can relate. I also had a failed cycle right before my EDD and that makes it harder, but you will get through it. I thought the same thing, that if I conceived another baby before the EDD than the loss would make more "sense" since the new baby would not be possible without it. But the universe does not always comply with these deadlines that we think would be significant or meaningful, things happen whenever they happen and I hope you have a new baby to look forward to very very soon!!