Tuesday, July 9, 2013


I have been sad for a long time.
How long I don't know.

Hub is away for two weeks, as he is every summer, that makes me sadder.

Somedays I realize I'm not doing so well at functioning. I get dressed, go to work and eat as well as I can. All that is fine. But I can't seem to do anything else. I need to do homework and am instead reading a book that is only adding to my depression. I need groceries, but stopping at the store seems draining. I need to get my nails done for a wedding I'm going to/ doing a reading for on Friday, but that was far too much.

I have a migraine... But this isn't for making excuses.

Anyway, I was reading this book and I just started crying.

I realized why I'm sad.

A character in the book is pregnant but considering an abortion. Her mom committed suicide when the character was very young. Her friend, also a mom, killed herself and now the character is taking care of her daughter.

The character is asking herself how her mom and her friend could have given up on their kids and left them, realizing that she is being a hypocrite as she considers an abortion.

I feel like that character. Not that I'm considering an abortion, of course not that, but that having a child doesn't feel to me like what happens with pregnancy. I don't feel like I'm on that path.

I still feel like something will go wrong. I can't imagine really becoming a mother.

Every time I really face it, like at my appointment today, I need a break from the world.

Every day further I get is that much more I'll have to undo when the time comes.


  1. I think that not being able to picture yourself as a Mother is a defense mechanism, to protect you from what you fear the most, which would be NOT becoming a Mom...AGAIN.
    Just remember, pregnancy doesn't last forever...and soon, you WILL be a Mom. Perhaps it will become more clear as the baby grows and develops the closer you get. You just have to get through this stage of uncertainty and what-ifs.

  2. I felt like that too. You will get through it and at some point it will feel real... for me it wasn't until close to the labour. Even when I washed the little clothes in preparation, I wondered, "Am I really going to need these?". It is tough to have doubts and to not be able to imagine a positive outcome. But you know you will be the happiest mom in the world when you finally have your baby in your arms, and the baby is crying and wiggling, full of life. I am so happy for you that you are getting closer to this each day, even though it is hard to believe it right now. It makes sense that you feel cautious after what you have been through, but you really have a lot to be hopeful about at this point. Wishing you a quick and safe delivery, mama!