I have been sad for a long time.
How long I don't know.
Hub is away for two weeks, as he is every summer, that makes me sadder.
Somedays I realize I'm not doing so well at functioning. I get dressed, go to work and eat as well as I can. All that is fine. But I can't seem to do anything else. I need to do homework and am instead reading a book that is only adding to my depression. I need groceries, but stopping at the store seems draining. I need to get my nails done for a wedding I'm going to/ doing a reading for on Friday, but that was far too much.
I have a migraine... But this isn't for making excuses.
Anyway, I was reading this book and I just started crying.
I realized why I'm sad.
A character in the book is pregnant but considering an abortion. Her mom committed suicide when the character was very young. Her friend, also a mom, killed herself and now the character is taking care of her daughter.
The character is asking herself how her mom and her friend could have given up on their kids and left them, realizing that she is being a hypocrite as she considers an abortion.
I feel like that character. Not that I'm considering an abortion, of course not that, but that having a child doesn't feel to me like what happens with pregnancy. I don't feel like I'm on that path.
I still feel like something will go wrong. I can't imagine really becoming a mother.
Every time I really face it, like at my appointment today, I need a break from the world.
Every day further I get is that much more I'll have to undo when the time comes.