Wednesday, July 31, 2013

17w5d- Today I Am a Small Blue Thing

Of all the days, this is the one I least wanted to write about. There was so much potential in this day, and we really thought, for a time, that it would go the other way. The "you're having a healthy baby" way.

I don't remember a lot of this day. The morning I spent in bed, but awake. Sick, but not unwell. I called out of work, obviously. I don't remember giving any reasoning. By morning I was about 15 hours into a stomach ache that didn't relent for weeks. We played the Sims on the iPad again. I cried. I read some of The Hunger Games, I had gotten the series for Christmas.  I cried again.

Finally, it was time to go to the appointment. I think it was in the early afternoon may be 1pm? That would make it the first after lunch appointment. I honestly wonder if the office was actually even open that day. No one else was there.

My OB is on the 4th floor of a building that is mostly prenatal offices and offices useful prenatally. My OB, 2 MFMs, ultrasound, Quest lab etc. I went to the u/s office, which is in the basement. Hub came with me and after I completed my paperwork we sat in the waiting area. I had gotten a new, black leather bag for Christmas, it is a beautiful purse. I was thinking about how much I liked it was it rested with the straps over my knee. I focused on that purse and not the reason I was there.

Eventually we were called back and I talked to Linda, the u/s tech. We'd seen each other quite often at this point in my pregnancy. 3 times early,  once for the NT and not for the high-risk scan. I pulled down my pants for the scan and linda laughed at how big they were. She asked if they were hub's. They were just my fat pants. I had lost 10lbs at the beginning of that pregnancyy, but was up 2 over starting weight at that point. I have no idea where it was going. I never needed maternity clothes. (I am avoiding the meat of this post like the plague)

Linda brought images of the baby up on screen before the MFM came in (he'll be called India from now on). Blue Sunday was cute and  lazy as always. The focus was on the baby's structures though, so we didn't spend a lot of time looking at things I could make out. Hub held my hand every minute of the procedure. Thank God/ the universe/ luck for him. Thank the same for Linda, she was appropriately reserved and talkative about both Blue Sunday and other things. I'll never forget she was leaving for France after my U/S was over for a long post-holiday trip. We talked about that a lot.

I was being scanned for a long time. Eventually India came in and started asking me all kinds of questions. Had I been taking fish oil (but it's good for the brain! he told me when I said no), what were the odds again?, would I want an amnio? His recommendation was that I only get an amnio if the scan showed markers or if we would terminate if the baby had T18. I started to cry. He looked at me like I was crazy. It wasn't the first time termination crossed my mind, but it was the first time anyone said it out-loud to me.

He started talking about what T18 would mean. The baby would likely never make it to team, if he or she did, baby would be unlikely to ever leave the hospital. Hospitals in the area rarely did surgeries on kids with T18.  He said kids who do live don't usually eat, walk, talk or crawl on their own. He said they are severely mentally handicapped. He said he's never had a child he delivered with T18 live to leave the hospital. Linda said that she had never had a child make it to team in all the T18 scans she had done. Hub had tears in his eyes and I had to look away.

Then they hmmmed over the scan for a bit, eventually Linda remarked "there, that hand opened, finally!" They explained that T18 babies usually don't open their hands, I remember that I was still concerned because it was only one hand that opened.. and I had been on the table for at least 45 minutes.

Eventually they told me that one hand opened and the baby's femurs were measuring behind. I remember thinking "hub and I are short!" but I don't know that I said anything. India said that scan was relatively good, but the baby was small overall (even for gestational age) so unless we would terminate he wouldn't do an amnio and I could come back the following week for another scan when more might be visible. I started crying hysterically and through the tears told him we would terminate if this baby had T18. But he thought  I said we wouldn't. He said there are markers, but nothing glaring, we'll look in again on such-and-such a date. And started on and on about additional scans I'd need since the baby was potentially growth restricted and at high risk for placental abnormalities given the bloods that gave me such high odds. The u/s tech and I kept trying to correct him saying I wanted the amnio today. It took forever to get him on the same page. Hub just held my hand, mute.

We did the amnio,  finally. I was terrified of the huge needle. I didn't get any anesthetic and really didn't need any. It felt like a shot to the skin, and nothing was going to help the pain in the uterus as it was punctured. We watched as the needle moved into view on the ultrasound.. Blue Sunday wasn't very active, so was never in any danger. It was probably over in under a minute. I probably nearly broke hub's hand. 

After that, I dressed and gathered my things. India told up they would get rapid results on Friday (it was a Tuesday). He told us good luck, and gave me self care instructions.

 I felt a bubble of hope, the scan wasn't that bad, but I KNEW it would be positive. I just knew.

 I called my parents told them the scan went ok. No, you don't need to come over tonight. Love you too.

Hub and I went to dinner at Friday's. What else were we going to do? I had the sizzling Chicken in cheese- my favorite and a small bud light. My OB and I agreed that one drink rarely isn't a concern (she even gave me the research). If I ever needed a cold BL in pregnancy this was the day.

After dinner we got a cover for the Ipad. Then we went home and pretended like we were normal. We watched TV, I read again. Then we went to bed. I wasn't allowed to clean and I didn't feel like it anyway.

Note from yesterday, real time- My phone didn't ring with bad baby news. I'd say I have gotten to live this pregnancy as a content woman one day longer than last time, but we all know I am not content.

Also, there is a lot of problems right now in my world that aren't baby related. Coming soon, drama. (Not the fun kind)

Today I am
A small blue thing
Made of china
Made of glass

Suzanne Vega, Small Blue Thing

No comments:

Post a Comment