Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Updates from a Reticient Blogger

Hi blog world. I've been quite lately. I could make excuses like:
1) I'm back in school (second to last class!) and spend all of my free time reading medical papers
2) The FDA has made a (routine) visit to my place of employment and that is making our workload INSANE
3) Hub was/is doing his military duty last week and this week, so home is lonely and I try not to spend time there
4) My best friend's little sister got married on Friday

But all this, though true, isn't the reason I've been quite. I think it's because I don't quite know where this is going yet. I'm showing, my belly was a big hit at the wedding. Most people there know about Blue Sunday, since this is a family that I know like my own and the groom is from Africa and his family wasn't in attendance. Everyone was so excited when I told them that there was no repeat of the chromosomal problem from the first pregnancy (I have to be a bit sensitive, the cousin of the bride has DS, and though that wasn't our issue, I could see how the judgy vibe might crop up). People think that it means we're having a baby in January.

I haven't reached that conclusion yet.

We're just under 2 weeks from our diagnosis date, and 3 weeks and 1 day from our termination date, gestational age wise. I LOOK more pregnant, I FEEL more pregnant, but I can't be sure that I will be having a baby until- who am I kidding? until he or she is here- but at least until after our anatomy scan. Which isn't until August 12th at 19weeks 3 days. AFTER our milestones.

How can I be sure that this is different?
How can I celebrate on passing those days when I don't know that this baby has, say, a closed neural tube?

At my last appointment we set up this scan and my blood test for the quad screen. She mentioned NTDs and how I was low risk. She urged me not to worry about it.

For Realz?

At 28, when I would have delivered Blue Sunday, my odds for T18 were 1:3,357.

Odds of an NTD?

Believed to be about 1;1,000 in the US (age isn't a significant factor)

These are the things I think, research and obsess over.

I wonder also of what Pregnant work friend thinks and feels? And Pregnant friend of Africa, what does she worry about? Both are deep into their first pregnancies, due in October 10 days apart, both expecting healthy baby girls. They think I'm crazy for worrying so much, I think they are crazy for not worrying.

Work friend mentioned this to me when she was about 18 weeks along and I was 6 weeks in. My response was "Honestly, how could I not. I was as pregnant as you are now when things went from fine to not fine, how after that could I be calm?"

Not nice, but neither are "you need to be calm for your baby". I CAN'T BE.

Anyway, here I am a few days ago, at 14 weeks 6 days- leaving work and then heading to the rehersal for Africa's wedding.

Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do.
Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right - right.
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

R.E.M.- It's The End of the World

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