Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Grief: Moving On, Moving Forward- or not

I've been thinking about grief a lot lately. Some of this is because I am grieving. I am over-Pluto happy that I'm expecting again, and that the baby is healthy. I am over-the-galaxy happy that I have Kins- the most wonderful child on the planet in my opinion.  I am also coming to fully realize that this is my last pregnancy (baring a miracle that I seem immune to). I will never have the family I imagined for myself.

This is sad. This is a loss.

A loss in a time of joy is confusing. I don't know how to talk about, for fear I sound ungrateful.

Much less confusing is grief in sadness. Intimidate grief, in the wake of a tragedy, everyone understands that. When the weeks and months pass though.. people get confused again.

Let me be clear- there are losses that you can never move on from. There is grief that will live with you for the rest of your life This is not the tragedy. This is a fact of life.

How you live though, that is up to you. I will never be over losing my first baby in the middle of pregnancy. I doubt I will ever lose the feeling sadness thinking of the 2 additional kids I imagined myself raising. This doesn't mean I wallow in grief. This doesn't mean I should miss the children I will have missing the ones that I won't. This doesn't mean I can let myself go- physically or mentally.

When people resume what looks like normal living after loss of some sort (child, marriage, imagined future), I think people around them want to breathe a sigh of relief. "Glad that's over and we can go back to normal". That loss never goes away, you're never dealing with the same person again.

I'm choosing to be healthy, to take joy in the son I have and in the baby I'm having. I am choosing to stop treatments, stop looking into adoption and stop seeking the third child I dreamed of (*subject to change). I am choosing to look like I am moving on. I am choosing that because the things that make me look like I am "ok now" are things that will make me happier. I am not choosing it because I am over the loss of Blue Sunday or the children I imagined raising. I am accepting that this is the life I have. It is a good, wonderful, happy life. It is not "full" it never will be.

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