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That makes no sense, right? I'm one of them. I am pregnant. I have a not-yet-obvious-but-growing uterus. I feel so lucky to be pregnant, I really, really do. I don't want that fact to get lost in this. However, while I remember that I'm pregnant, I forget that a pregnancy usually means a baby in less than a year's time.
I know I am pregnant, but I don't know that I am expecting a baby in January... subtle, but very different.
My work friend Ray is getting bigger and is 21 weeks now. I went home and cried the day she hit 19 weeks- One day longer than I got with Blue Sunday. It isn't that I don't want her little girl to be fine, of course I do. There isn't a soul on earth I would wish into this club. However, I can't stop questioning why her baby is thriving while my Blue Sunday not.
A new mom just came back to the office after maternity leave, another welcomed a daughter today (I work with the man- much easier than seeing the belly everywhere). A good friend of my good friend is 20 weeks pregnant, as is one of hub's co-worker's. I saw them announcing it on facebook months ago, and now posting about the "gender scan". I am so jealous of all of them. A good friend of my good friend is 20 weeks pregnant, as is one of hub's co-worker's. I saw them announcing it on facebook months ago, and now posting about the "gender scan". I still feel on the outside looking in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7sx32alzeE (How I love this song)
Part of it is that I am a full trimester behind all of them (there is a baby boom coming in October), but the other part is that I will never really be one of them.
I am in mourning for my baby, always, but also now, I am in mourning for the person I once was and for the pregnancy I will never experience. Though I am pregnant, I am not blissful, and doubt I will be until I have a breathing baby in my arms.
Dear dolly, I know a secret
You didn`t know, I knew
I still get jealous, honey
Very jealous, ja ja ja
I still get jealous
(Cause it pleases you.) <~~~~ Sarcasm font!
Louis Armstrong, I Still Get Jealous
I (kind of) know how you feel. :( I just found out my younger sister is 11 weeks pregnant. I'm so very happy for them since it took them about a year, but I can't help but be jealous. I wish I could experience pregnancy and childbirth and it's likely I never will. It's HARD and you are going to appreciate motherhood and your sweet baby WAY MORE than most other moms out there. And your sweet child will be the better off for it. I promise.
ReplyDeleteIt's still not fair and it's still hard. It's ok to be jealous in my opinion.
You know what? I STILL feel that way. Even now, with a 7-month-old rainbow. I think I would like to be pregnant again already? I also really get envious of people with more than three kids. I'm not sure if it's because I want four or five (etc.) kids and feel like I don't have enough years, money, career sacrifice (etc.), or if I feel like it's unfair that some people have five and some people who want kids have trouble or can't have any at all. Either way, I just want it to stop! I hope you can find peace about it better than I can...such a crappy feeling with no apparent upside. :-/
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