That makes no sense, right? I'm one of them. I am pregnant. I have a not-yet-obvious-but-growing uterus. I feel so lucky to be pregnant, I really, really do. I don't want that fact to get lost in this. However, while I remember that I'm pregnant, I forget that a pregnancy usually means a baby in less than a year's time.
I know I am pregnant, but I don't know that I am expecting a baby in January... subtle, but very different.
My work friend Ray is getting bigger and is 21 weeks now. I went home and cried the day she hit 19 weeks- One day longer than I got with Blue Sunday. It isn't that I don't want her little girl to be fine, of course I do. There isn't a soul on earth I would wish into this club. However, I can't stop questioning why her baby is thriving while my Blue Sunday not.
A new mom just came back to the office after maternity leave, another welcomed a daughter today (I work with the man- much easier than seeing the belly everywhere). A good friend of my good friend is 20 weeks pregnant, as is one of hub's co-worker's. I saw them announcing it on facebook months ago, and now posting about the "gender scan". I am so jealous of all of them. A good friend of my good friend is 20 weeks pregnant, as is one of hub's co-worker's. I saw them announcing it on facebook months ago, and now posting about the "gender scan". I still feel on the outside looking in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7sx32alzeE (How I love this song)
Part of it is that I am a full trimester behind all of them (there is a baby boom coming in October), but the other part is that I will never really be one of them.
I am in mourning for my baby, always, but also now, I am in mourning for the person I once was and for the pregnancy I will never experience. Though I am pregnant, I am not blissful, and doubt I will be until I have a breathing baby in my arms.
Dear dolly, I know a secret
You didn`t know, I knew
I still get jealous, honey
Very jealous, ja ja ja
I still get jealous
(Cause it pleases you.) <~~~~ Sarcasm font!
Louis Armstrong, I Still Get Jealous