Saturday, May 11, 2013

Walking the Wire

Yes, true to the BLM mantra, "Today I am pregnant, and Today I love my baby".

I'm 6 weeks today. 
But not exactly- not yet. It is so hard to go all in on a pregnancy when I haven't heard a heartbeat, when I hardly have symptoms and when I know just how little both of those things actually mean in the end.

I tried to get the assurance of a second beta, but when they called with the "results" they would only tell me that it was positive, not the actual number. I can't even describe my disappointment.

There are a lot of things that have me on edge. I have been forced to tell more people than I wanted to, and am about to have to do it again tonight.

A good friend of mine is getting married on the 26th. I knew I would have to tell people then, since I wouldn't be drinking, assuming all goes well on the 20th at the ultrasound. But, at that point I would have some assurance from the ultrasound, or not, but at least I would know. Tonight, all I have is a good beta almost 2 weeks ago and a positive blood test on Wednesday. I'd hate to tell people just to untell them in a week, but how can I explain not drinking at a bachelorette party for crying out loud?

Question mark by Marco Bellucci

Can you tell I'm not feeling confident? Want to know why?

For one, I am not having overwhelming symptoms. I'm exhausted and bloated, but I'm not nauseous most of the time. I can't remember when it started last time, but I do remember that it was debilitating. I can't shake the fear that I'm feeling ok because there is no baby growing in there.

The other (real) reason? My due date.

It's 1/4/14

Not ringing an alarm bell?

2 years to the day of Blue Sunday's termination.

Really, 365 days a year and THAT is my due date. I calculated it 3 times to be sure. I know that the date can change once the scan is done, but any deviation from that date is likely to scare me. Scare if baby is behind, because Blue Sunday was always behind. I know it can't be ahead and not just an extra bit of growth because I know within 6 hours of when I ovulated.

So here I wait, totally scared and yet joyous. Finally, I don't have to constantly calculate my cycle day. I'm not timing BD or counting down to testing. I'm not medicating.

Still, we don't talk about January. We don't talk about pregnancy or names or anything baby related. Hub keeps asking me if I want a beer. That's how far we're forcing it off the radar.

After all this time, I thought it would be different.

Monday the 20th can't get here soon enough.

I used this song before, but it was talking about this moment. The moment when I am in a new pregnancy, but the health is still unknown:

Now I'm caught in the spotlight
Walking the wire
my feet are frozen and my heart's on fire
What do I do if my dream comes true 
James Taylor, Baby Boom Baby

1 comment:

  1. I hope the days before the 20th go SO VERY QUICKLY for you. It sounds like torture to have to wait like that. :(