Monday, May 6, 2013

Looking Forward, Looking Backward

This pregnancy is hard.

It is mentally hard, emotionally hard and physically hard. Already.

Physically is the easiest part I suppose. I am SO. SICK. The real nausea/vomiting started just over 24 hours ago and already I am thrust back to where I was when I was pregnant with Blue Sunday. I remember it being bad, the mouth-water-ry, hot and cold flash, rolling stomach, gagging feelings of pregnancy, but I had forgotten how bad. I forgot that even standing in the kitchen could make me gag, how after a delicious dinner (garlic spinach, baked sweet potato and lime chicken) I could vomit the whole thing up. I forgot how even my beloved morning tea won't sit right. I won't even mention how the stop-start-accelerate to decelerate- change lanes-and-come to a stop again of an urban commute feels.

But whatever. I am glad to feel miserable. It means I'm producing hCG, more today than 24 hours ago, judging by the onset of symptoms. It means that more than likely someone is growing in there. I would have given anything to be in this position in all those months of trying, and now that I am here I am overjoyed (and terrified- and I'm going to go ahead and say it- sick).

The thing about being sick, the really lousy part, is how familiar it all is. This is how I felt with Blue Sunday. The first time I was really sick was a few days further into the pregnancy (I think). I had been feeling unproductively nauseous for a few days, probably right about where I am now 5 weeks 2 days, Hub made me spaghetti with red sauce and meatballs for dinner- which sounded palatable, it wasn't. The pasta came out my nose- and I didn't eat noodles for the remainder of my pregnancy.

Why is that bad (aside from the gross memory)?

Because every time I think about how this time feels like last time, I get stabbed with fear. That ended horribly. Unspeakably, unimaginably horribly. I don't know that I will come out of a second loss like that a whole person. Ever single time I think 'oh I remember this' I immediately think 'oh please no, please please if this is a bad pregnancy just end it now'.

Then I say 'Really, am I actually wishing for a miscarriage'.

I feel like I need a therapist... or a scan. Which I have to wait just under 2 weeks for (and by "just under 2 weeks" I mean 1 week, 6 days and 19.5 hours.. not like a few days less than 2 weeks).

So that's the emotionally hard, the mentally hard is similar but different.

When I can stop thinking about Blue Sunday and obsessing over similarities and differences in the pregnancies, I am counting time.  I really need to live in increments of 1-3 weeks for the next few months. 2 weeks until the first u/s. If all is well, 3 weeks until the MartiniT21 blood test (which they don't know I'm requiring yet) and another week until the NT scan, a week after that for the results of the blood test- due in the week I turn 30. We're hoping to formally announce at the party.

Please, please let me get there.

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