Sunday, May 12, 2013

Reflections on my Second Not-a-Mother Mother's Day

I hate May.

It is just an emotional wringer for me. I thought, may be, that being pregnant would ease the pain a bit. May be it has in some small way, but the pain is still there.

May 31st was my EDD with Blue Sunday. My last not-a-mother Mother's Day should have been in May of 2012, and I would have been hugely pregnant, possibly even the mother of a tiny, brand new baby.

I remember being sad after calculating my EDD, that I would miss Mother's Day by a few weeks.  Got ahead, roll your eyes, I am.

Last year at this time, I was starting to let go of the idea of being a mom by this Mother's Day. I was starting to let go of the idea of an unassisted BFP. I thought that I was coming into myself again, but I was not. I was lost, sad and confused.

So even though I 'knew' a year ago that I wouldn't be a mom for Mother's Day 2013, or at all without some help, I still had a bit of irrational hope.

Now here I am, childless again, with part of me knowing it was inevitable and part of me utterly shocked that this is my life.

I am feeling lucky and amazed that Clomid worked on our first cycle, that I had a great response and that I have the ability to get pregnant (no but). I am also feeling scared and defeated. Scared that this isn't IT: IT being the BFP that will make me a mom in time for next Mother's Day. Defeated because I have lost such a part of myself, lost the ability to be excited for those two lines.

So here we are, again a childless Mother's Day like last year. This time though, there is a tiny 6-week  fetus in my uterus, hopefully growing by the day with a heart having just started beating or about to do so for the very first time.

Unlike last year, there is hope that next year will be different.

To the other BLMs out there, to the IFers, to the women have resolved and have children with them today, to those whose resolution was to accept life child-free and to those like me, somewhere between childless and mother- have a peaceful day. Let yourself cry if you need to, or get angry, or smile. Love to all of you.

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you 

Richard Marx, Right  Here Waiting

1 comment:

  1. Here's hoping that next year you will be celebrating Mother's Day with your infant in your arms...and Blue Sunday in your heart.