Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Signs- Soothing after Struggle

There was an office move today. (Hang in, this relates)

We moved from the newly renovated, open-concept 4th floor, to the standard everyone-has-an office style 3rd floor. We moved upstairs at the end of last summer- when I was in the height of "I can't get pregnant" grief now that I look back on it. Long enough at TTC that I just knew deep down that it wouldn't happen naturally, but so far from ART. The move was a mixed bag for me. I liked having an office where I could close the door to concentrate- or cry. However, I felt lonely and cut off from my co-workers- my office was at the end of a hall and no one was ever down there.

That office that I moved from last summer was the office where I spent most of my pregnancy (I had moved from the 2nd to 3rd floor about 3 weeks after finding out I was pregnant). There was a lot of memories of planning for a baby, googling baby chat boards and nursery plans from that space.  On top of that, the phone call confirming Blue Sunday had T18 was taken in the back stall of the ladies room on the third floor. Needless to say, I was happy to get away from there.

Now, the fourth floor is tainted too. Now defined by my struggle with IF. Most of the months I spent trying and failing for a baby were on that floor. I moved back down stairs with some sense of relief. "New pregnancy, new office, new floor, new start" I thought. My new office is far from where my old one 3rd floor office, my old office had it's walls knocked down and is now a giant storage room.  I don't need to face that office again. I was happy with the move. 

Until I realized I needed to pee (about 45 minutes after I peed last- haha). I was filled with dread thinking about going into that bathroom and that stall. As I walked into the hallway, I resolved to wait for the front stall if need be. As I went to push open the door, I caught out of the corner of my eye the "Men's Room" sign.

It seems there was a re-model of the 3rd floor bathroom since I've been upstairs.  The women's room has switched with the men's- and it looks nothing like the old women's room did.

I know that this is totally silly, but I felt such relief. I never again need to see that awful bathroom again. I never again even need to occupy the same physical space.

And the sign said, "Everybody welcome. Come in, kneel down and pray"
But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all, I didn't have a penny to pay
So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me. I'm alive and doin' fine."
The Five Man Electrical Band, Signs

1 comment:

  1. OH wow! That is really interesting and SUCH a relief!