This is Blue Sunday's Estimated Birthday (EBD); this would have been his first birthday.
This morning in the car there was a string of great and meaningful music. The Script's Breakeven, which I used in an early, raw post just after termination. When ever I hear that song I think about the sacrifice- taking Blue Sunday's pain as my own- and this blog. It also makes me remember the horrible, all-consuming anger that I was feeling- at myself, at God, at the world. I don't know that I feel that way anymore- lost, alone and godless. It is a very strange feeling- between believer and non-believer. While I don't think I could go back to the religion of my childhood- I would like to explore faith again.
Needless to say, I was thinking about God/god, about Take Two and of course Blue Sunday. The very next song was Janet Jackson's Together Again. I felt like it was a sign from my Blue Sunday: that things were okay for him, that he is watching out for me, hub and Take Two, that we will be together again and in the mean time, I can see him in the smiles of others, in the sun in the sky and the waves in the sea.
So then I had my first cry of the EBD. But it was so different from the early days, and from even last year. I felt like I made the right decision, I felt forgiven, I felt freed.
As I was awash with good feelings when "Angel" by Shaggy came on. I love that song, it cracks me up. "She was there through my incarceration/ I wanna show the nation my appreciation". That line is so ridiculous! I have always rejected the "angel" language for Blue Sunday. I'm not sure why, at the core. I think I like to think of Blue Sunday as a real child- not perfect, not angelic. A little naughty, fun, spunky. Hearing that song today, it felt like Blue Sunday was in on the joke.
So I was in the car on the way to the heartbeat check. I was nervous, but not overly so. I really feel deep down that this pregnancy will end well. That is a feeling I never had with Blue Sunday, so I'm just taking it at face value and trying to enjoy.
I got into the office and was taken back soon after. My OB reminded me that it was a bit early to hear the heartbeat with the doppler, 9 weeks is really the lower limit and I am 8w6d by trigger date and 8w4d by last ultrasound. She said she'd try, but if we didn't hear it, we'd go down to u/s. She also said she likes to do a dating scan about 9 weeks since it is the best dating time. We thought she found the heartbeat a few times, but the machine was picking up lots of my own blood supply noises. She said that alone was encouraging- I have lots of blood to the uterus and the uterus is rising up and out of the pelvis- a few inches already!
I was sent down to u/s- but they weren't due to open for another 40 minutes. I did some work from the car (conference call- super fun) and then headed back in.
No one came.
The maintenance guy let me into the office so I could sit and fill out my paper work, but after 45 minutes I went back up to my OB's office. She let me hang out there and they called down to the office every so often. About 2 hours after my arrival, the u/s tech was finally in. (She didn't have her first appointment filled today so came in late- no issue on her end or the OBs)
I was nervous by the time I got down stairs- after so much waiting. Keep in mind that I go to the same office building since I first went to the GYN. My OB's dad delivered me. She was with me from first BC pill, through Blue Sunday, and IF. The u/s tech is the one I saw for Blue Sunday's good appointments and bad. She was in the room with the MFM who did my amnio and Level II. She was there for my SHG. She has a single u/s machine and no assistants. All on the EBD.
When I got back into the room Lynda and I (the u/s tech) were talking. She was asking about previous pregnancies and I reminded her of Blue Sunday- we went through the details-- how and when we found out, results of the NT and Level II. She was surprised we found out so late, and we talked about how the baby was small and they had trouble with some of the imaging- then she remembered me. She said it was sad- that they were hopeful after the scan. It was hard- but good. Good to talk about Blue Sunday- to remember.
Then we saw Take Two.
I can't quite articulate what it means to see a baby on an u/s to those who have never had the joy. I really can't even start to tell you what it's like to see one after the horror we went though. Add all of those emotions times a thousand- as you add the bittersweetness of seeing that baby on the day you should be celebrating the first birthday of a lost child.
It was truly breathtaking.
Take Two is fantastic. Already more active than Blue Sunday ever was (I remember for the NT scan, he just laid there, like he was sleeping, for the whole scan). We laughed as miniscule arms and legs wiggled away. She looks like a teddy bear! Baby has grown 14 days in only 11. I am measuring 9 weeks exactly. Heartrate is now up to 174.
All signs point to Blue Sunday's Little being on the way.
The Song is unbanned:
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Kermit the Frog, The Rainbow Connection
The past is over, the future hasn't happened yet, all we have is now.
Today I am pregnant.