Joy and Hope Broke
Wow. My emotions are whacked. I'm on day 8 post loss and I cried three times this morning before I even made it to work. The first was when I found that the cats broke a candle holder- with 3 pedestals labeled "Joy, Hope, Love" Joy and Hope broke- Love was fine. Figures right? A sign perhaps? The second was actually thinking about Blue Sunday and how much I am missing out on. The final time was listening to Rocket Man- Elton John
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time/ 'til touchdown bring me 'round again to find/ I'm not the man they think I am at home/ oh no, no, no
I couldn't help thinking, it is going to be a long (long) time until I am back again, and I am never going to be my old self. I'll eventually behave like a normal person (eating, sleeping, behaving acceptably in public) but I'm never going home.
Since this (deep?) realization, I feel.. nothing. I am numb. I know, really know, that I will never again think of my life as so blessed and so lucky (as I have always felt). I will never joyfully announce a pregnancy before the 20 week scan (ignore the logistics of that for a few months, please. I KNOW there will be lots to think about eventually). I will never feel whole, because I am not. Part of me is just... missing.
And I feel nothing about it.
Current Playlist (Aside from Sir John's masterpiece)
I need something beautiful
To fill the space we've taken up
I need something to feel real
Again before I go numb