Monday, January 23, 2012

4 weeks since the bad news

Let me tell you the story
'bout the call the changed my destiny
Backstreet Boys, The Call

I can't believe it's been a month. It has been one entire month since I received the phone call giving me the 1:5 odds of Trisomy 18. It was the day after Christmas.

It has been more than one month since I was feeling happy and pregnant. I took my very last pregnancy picture just an hour or so before the phone call that essentially ended it. I feel like I haven't been able to breathe since that moment. That call really did change my destiny.

I had felt destined to be a mom, to hold a warm, squirming baby in my arms one day. Finally, that one day was in reach! Hub and I had planned a future with kids since senior year of high school, 7 years ago now. I just don't know if that is in the cards for us now. Hub has started to join me in my talk about what we'll do (have frivolous fun), buy (a vacation home in Florida) and see (all MLB teams in Texas and NorCal this summer) as a childless couple. It just doesn't seem as fun as when we were actually childless. Now we are just less a child. (Ahhh word play, told you I was an English Major) It is freeing to escape the weight of Blue Sunday's loss by thinking about a life I stopped wondering about long ago, but it feels like I've given up on a whole set of dreams and it never felt like that before. Because, really, you CAN travel with a child but you CAN'T be someone's mom without being a parent.

In happier news, it appears my weeks of bleeding are over. I have been clean since Saturday- so at 2.5 weeks it appears I'm done. That is BIG news, I'm hoping to start my period in the next 2-3 weeks and start getting back to normal. The new normal. I can feel that my hormone levels are normalizing, while I am still sad (so sad) I don't feel desperate and I can concentrate on other things- at least for some length of time every day. I have been eating and showering on a normal human basis-- go me!!

It's been raining since you left me, now I'm drowning in the flood
See I've always been a fighter, but without you I give up
Bon Jovi, Always

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