Tuesday, January 17, 2012


An aside before the meat and potatoes of my post: I'm sure you wonder why every post has a song. It is because I LOVE music. I really believe that music is the new oral tradition, that music is poetry. I am actually tone deaf, so I spend a lot of time with lyrics and lyrics alone. I was an English major in college and put inordinate emphasis on hidden meanings of word choice. I also can name the next lyric freakishly easy. True story, I one won a lyric competition, tone deafness and all! Poor audience. I was once singing a love song to hub (Bon Jovi, Always sob!) and he told me "It's really better if you don't sing" :( On that sad note (me? Sad? Never!, on with the post.
 I adore this song, so I had to write out nearly the entire song, it is so fitting for how I feel:

Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far.
And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
Don't make you sad to know that life is more than who you are?
Grew up way too fast and now there's nothing to believe.
Reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio,
And I won't tell 'em your name.

I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same.
It's lonely where you are. Come back down.
And I won't tell 'em your name.
The Goo Goo Dolls, Name

I am struggling with my choice not to find out the gender of Blue Sunday, and to give him or her a proper name. I keep having name lyrics pop into my head, that above and those below. I want to refer to him or her. I want to have a memorial of some sort, a donation or something bought in his or her honor. I feel I can't do that without a name. I am considering a real but gender neutral name ("It's Pat!) but can't think of anything fitting.  

I think I am fearful because I really felt this baby was a boy, and have thought of it as my son. I will be so heartbroken if it is a little girl (the girl I have always dreamed to mother) and think of how she must have felt that I thought of her as a him. Also, I fear that I will never have kids, or kids but not of Blue Sunday's gender, and the baby will come to represent even more than the loss of one baby, but the loss of the whole idea of being the mother of a son or a daughter.

On top of all that, Hub doesn't want to know. Above and beyond all else is our relationship with each other. I know if I told him I *had* to know, he would consent, but I'm not there yet. I can't bring myself to go behind his back, because I would slip up eventually. Also, how shitty of someone to keep a secret like that from their spouse (the finding out, not the gender)?

And then of course there are the words of the immortal Shakespeare through Juliet telling me that a name is nothing meaningful: 

What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title.
Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II lines 47-51

Does it really matter in the end? I lost a baby. My baby. Who I love and desperately miss. At the end of the day, I don't care if it is a boy or a girl.. and how could I hurt more than I already do?

Current Playlist:
Destiny's Child, Name "Say my name, say my name/ If no one is around you, say "Baby, I love you"
Vanessa Williams, Colors of the Wind "But I know every rock and tree and creature/ Has a life, has a spirit, has a name"

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