Sunday, January 15, 2012

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
John Mayer, Dreaming with a Broken Heart

I'm now 11 days post surgery, and slowly becoming more stable. The hardest part is the mornings, I think because my dreams are so awful. Last night I dreamed I was pregnant with a little boy who was missing an arm and a leg. Everyone wanted me to terminate, but he was otherwise healthy. People kept telling me "you've done it before, why won't you do it again?". Someone else wanted to know why I would keep one imperfect child and not the other. I want to stress, mostly for myself, that this termination wasn't to prevent an imperfect child, it was to prevent my beloved baby's suffering. I wake up crying.

Last night Hub and I went to the movies, we saw Contraband with Marky Mark. Unfortunately he was mostly clothed, but it wasn't a bad movie. We did our usual, dinner and drinks in the Lux level before the movie, 7$ a ticket with a military ID! It was a nice way to forget, until I was confronted with a hugely pregnant woman in the lobby. Then I was crying, rather hysterically. Ugggg

Much to Hub's annoyance, I spend a lot of time trying to retrain myself to think as if we'll never have kids. We plan on trying again, but I just don't find myself naive enough to think I'll have kids just because I want them. Instead of planning for them, I want to start thinking about the remaining years of my life with just the two of us. It is different, but not terrible, I suppose. Today I came up with two things in the positive category- sleeping in on weekends and getting an Audi (since I won't need to pay for private school). I almost had a third, never saying things like "don't leave your poop in the toilet, flush it please" but then I remembered who I married! Look! I made a joke!

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