Sunday Bloody Sunday
Sunday Bloody Sunday
U2, Sunday Bloody Sunday
Yes, that is in reference to what you think it is. Yuck and TMI ahead.
So yesterday I started back on walking on the treadmill, I did 40 minutes and then walked over to my parent's house for Sunday dinner. I paid for "overdoing it" with increased bleeding, including clots, and cramping. It lasted right through midday today. I just want to be able to work out. It makes me feel so much better, mentally and physically. We are planning a vacation for the last two weeks on March, I'd like to lose this pregnancy weight, seeing as I didn't really earn it.
More about that vacation later, today I want to blog about other blogs, riveting I know. I find myself spending an inordinate amount of time reading blogs by other women who have lost babies in pregnancy, for one reason or another. This is less depressing than it sounds, since it seems like starting a baby loss blog was all the rage back in 2007 and 2008. Or perhaps there were more baby losses back then? Regardless of why, I read through years worth of blogging in just a few hours, giving me a crash course in this whole process. Cheaper than "getting help", right? Here is what I've learned, we'll call it Baby loss blogging, Step by Step
Step by step oh baby
I want you, I need you, I want you in my world
New Kids on the Block, Step by Step
1) In the first few weeks, there are LOTS of blog posts, they aren't so organized or thought out. This is raw emotion. Raw, sad, angry and full of disbelief.
2) After a couple or a few months, blog posts are more infrequent, but direct. The mothers talk about deep grief, but it is much less raw to the outside world (me).
3) Eventually they talk about trying to conceive again (TTC) this is fraught with worries and concerns above and beyond the average TTC'er.* Most try and succeed to conceive again (yay!)
* It seems that baby loss moms who blog have more than the baby loss issue going on. Many have fertility issues related to the pregnancy loss that led them to blog, or had a history of issues conceiving. This is not one of those blogs.
4) Conception achieved! Flurry of blogging, worries for the new baby, worries about forgetting the baby that passed, worries about when to tell family/friends/coworkers. These are the generalized anxiety posts. I cheat here and make sure the baby makes it, and then feel superior reading all the concern.
5) 12-20 weeks into the new pregnancy and true terror sets in. This is where those of us in chromosomal/ fetal abnormality dead baby land freak out. Waiting for the screening tests and what the naive people call the "big gender scan" is agonizing, even for me and I cheated and know the outcome.
6) Somewhere in here, there are the "XX months ago" and "this time in my last pregnancy" posts. These are hard to read, they assure you that you NEVER get over it.
7) Weeks 20-birth less blogging. Who can blame them? The blog was for a baby that died, it must bring back awful memories. When there is blogging, and it isn't blogs like #6, it is excited disbelief, "I can't believe I might actually take home a baby"!
8) Soon after birth, whenever tired new mommy has time, there is a post about how new baby won't replace dead baby, how they will always miss it. But from here on out, there are longer and longer gaps between posts. Baby is growing and is beautiful, life seems happier.
9) Obligatory "dead baby anniversary" post, this is whatever year is immediately after the living baby birth. Usually is something like "I wonder what you would be like with your new little sibling" or " I can't believe that if you hadn't died, new baby wouldn't be here."
10) Death of the blog. Sometimes there is literally a "this isn't the place for these ramblings" post and other times there is just a string of everyday family posts and then nothing. May be this is where they accept the loss, this is my hope, for them and someday for myself.
Now she's gone and I am left alone
as you can see
ever since I caused her death
I do miss her companyJames Taylor, Mona