Monday, January 9, 2012

Blue Sunday loss = Hub Deployed

6 Days Post Termination:

I just find myself comparing this loss to deployment. When Hub left, I felt like I was staring at an impossible journey. The year just stretched in front of me endlessly. I didn't see how I would get through one year, one month, one day, one minute. Every single one of them represented time that I wasn't spending doing what I "should" have been. Spending time with Hub, incubating and raising a baby.

Then there is R&R, that magical 2 weeks where you get a break from the worry of war and have your solider home in your arms, safe and sound. Looking forward to it always felt like a jinx- like he'd be killed in the mean time, at the exact moment I buy that all important first sighting outfit or book a romantic hotel. This is like imagining getting pregnant again. As wonderful and awesome that would be, and is to think about- what if it never comes? Like the R&R for so many war widows. What if I am childless from here on out? Or-worse?- what if this awful loss happens again? What if the R&R comes and is every bit as wonderful as one can imagine, and then the unthinkable happens and your solider is killed between R&R and homecoming? What if this happens again. Can I handle the thought of hearing again "I am sorry, this is a trisomy 18 baby". or any one of the myriad of other deadly abnormalities of fetus-hood. That's the trick of R&R and additional pregnancies. You can think for just a moment you're in the clear, when really, you're just starting over again.

Current Playlist:
Just a Dream- Carrie Underwood- "Baby why'd you leave me/ Why'd you have to go/ I was counting on forever, now I'll never know/ I can't even breathe/ It's like I'm lookin' from a distance/ Standing in the background/ Everybody's saying he's not coming home now"

Just one today song on the playlist, this came on as I was in the car yesterday and I literally couldn't stop crying. Very fitting.

1 comment:

  1. Whew. Maybe I should space this out and not read your whole blog today. Tears pouring down my face. But I am hooked. I recently wrote about how I am stuck between the fear of never getting pregnant again and the fear that I will. Both are terrifying.