Tuesday, January 31, 2012

In the Middle Or- The Post-OP Appointment Post

Post-Op Appointment
I had my post OP appointment yesterday morning. I went to my OB, who I adore, and not the MD that did my TMFR (who was a wonderful surgeon but seemed uncomfortable with my sadness). It was hard to walk into that building again. The ultrasound room is on the 1st floor, the MD that did my level II ultrasound and amnio is on the second,  the 3rd  is my doctor and on the 7th the TMFR doc. Lots of memories. The bad ones I can deal with, it was the good, exciting ones that were so hard.  

Aside from the mental, it was a good appointment.  She looked at my cervix, which was closed and felt me up and found nothing concerning. I have the go ahead to start trying to conceive again as long as my period comes back and seems “like my own”.  

I’ll repeat: I have the go ahead to start trying to conceive again.

In the Middle
I feel breathless with both anxiety and excitement as I type those words (OK fine, I copy and pasted the second time). I can't wait, and yet I can do nothing but wait. How can I go down this road again? How can I not? Fortunately, I'll have some time to digest this, I am reasonably certain I won't be back to my period for another week and if things aren't familiar then I have to wait another month, decision aside. (How delicately put was that!)

My snap decision? No. No way in hell. We'll try in March as planned. This was only strengthened when my OB went through the "as soon as you get a positive test at home call the office, you'll do beta draws until it is over 15,000. Then we'll do a dating scan. At that point we'll talk about how invasive and comprehensive testing you want". Oh. My. God. Blood draws, that ultrasound room, banal chit-chat with Nancy the (wonderful) tech, then the horrible awful blood draw for the quad screen. Then she dropped the real bomb, the earliest, earliest we could know if T18 or any of it's ugly step-sisters has it's hold on our rainbow baby is 12-13 weeks. 

I literally put my hands over my face and cried. It seems like an eternity. 

Then, going home my heart changed. It would always be that succession of memory events, one more terrible than the last. Next month, 3 months from now or 3 years from now. Still, I wasn't 100%, so when hub asked, I told him let's wait it out, we have a vacation planned for the last two weeks of March- why make it a dry cruise? Cue canned laugh track. But in my head I said "it would be a good way to pass two weeks of waiting to get to 12 weeks. Then you only have 7 weeks of terror aided by Dr Google".

Now a day has passed and moonlighting statistician Liz has come into the picture. Not sure why she ever pops up, I am terrible at math and really hated every stats class I ever took (3) yet I keep ending up in math-y Epi classes (and those stats classes). Every month a normal healthy woman has only a 20% chance of getting pregnant. I really, really want a 2012 baby. If I start TTC in March, I only have one shot. If I start in February I'll have two. Since I have already been the 1:5 shot twice in recent memory- once when Blue Sunday was conceived in September and then again when Blue Sunday was the 1 in 1:5 for T18- I think it will take more than one try. How can someone be the 1 that often?

Today is Tuesday- date night at our house. Dinner has a 4:5 chance of being when to make a baby discussion. By which I mean, me asking hub to try next month. 

To be continued...

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine
everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Jimmy Eat World, In The Middle

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Your loss absolutely is a loss. Good luck TTC.