4 Years Later

My very first post on this blog was “4 Days Later”. Now here we are 4 years later. The more things change, the more they stay the same. 

My heart still bleeds for my child. What a horribly unfair hand Blue Sunday was dealt. I feel much more responsible than I did before, now that I know I have old ovaries and old eggs that produce lousy genetic material. A lousy egg that against all odds made a baby, developed a baby who could never really live. 

In many other ways, it's easier now. I have my (gorgeous) son. I have scabbed over the loss. It hurts to think about, it hurts to think of the family I could have had- but it's become part of me. I know that I am someone who lost a baby well into pregnancy. That is my reality and it's not so new I can forget, or remember very well the me before. 

My friend and her family made a donation to the Trisomy 18 foundation in memory of Blue Sunday and I was so touched. Unfortunately as a loss mom herself, she knows the desperation a parent feels to have their lost child remembered and have them matter in the world. I'm glad Blue Sunday can help another child/ family in a desperate situation. 

There is nothing good, beautiful or easy about loss, but it doesn't have to be all bad in the aftermath.