HCG Chart- Plot it out in black and white

"Welcome to the real world" 
she said to me. Condescendingly 
Take a seat. Take your life. 
Plot it out in black and white. 
John Mayer, No Such Thing

5W5D: Jinxed It

Ugh.

Remember how I posted about saying good-bye to my blood draw nurse? Too soon as it turns out. I bled again yesterday (5W4D). Same pattern as last time, but lasted less-long. I was a few hours late on my progesterone.

I ran out of work, had left a meeting to go to the bathroom and went back in to collect my things and go. Called the clinic and was scheduled for a blood draw this morning.

I had a good talk with the nurse. She went through a list of reasons that could make me bleed and said that my betas were really good. She said the earliest they could see my for an ultrasound is the end of next week. At least a week from now.

I can't handle this. I really feel like it's over and the crinone is just holding things in.

I'll update with the beta when I have it.

5W3D; Whisper Words of Wisdom

I am being a selfish blogger. I am sorry, but I need you guys.

As I mentioned in my last two posts: I started spotting on Friday. It was pinkish/red and lasted an hour with brown spotting for another day. I'm all clear now. I have mild cramping, no different from what was happening prior to the spotting. I don't think it is any different from what happened with the kins. I didn't spot with him, I did spot with Blue Sunday. Not a good memory.

I am on Crinone, but have been for a month now but only spotted this one time. Could it still be the Crinone? Could this be a miscarriage- even if I spotted only for an hour? Has anyone had a miscarriage with bleeding in that pattern? Am I doomed? Positive stories? Anyone, Bueller?

My clinic did an extra beta (4655 at 5W1D) and were happy with it so I don't go in again until 2 weeks from today. I can't deal.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
The Beatles, Let it Be

Update: Now We Got Problems - The Beta

Beta was 4655 this morning.

That's a doubling time of 47.89. The clinic wanted it to between triple and quadruple- which it did. To be honest, I was thinking if it's not around 5000 I'm screwed. Not sure if 4655 is good enough. I'm certainly not relaxed. The internet tells me that between 1200 and 6000 it is expected to double in 72-96 hours, so I'm good there. But then it says 1-2 months pregnant should be 5,000-100,000. Which I at 5 weeks 1 day would fall into, so that's a negative.

There seems to be no more blood, there was one instance this morning, but it was right after inserting the crinone (progesterone suppository) and I know I gave myself a scrape up there a few days ago so I am choosing to think I nicked it again.

I was told to keep an eye on it and call if there is more bleeding or strong cramping. Otherwise, my ultrasound is 2/8.

Why can't it just be a yes or a no?

5 Weeks: Now We Got Problems

Bad Blood indeed.

I started bleeding today, around 4. It was like the start of a period- the slippery, stringy stuff. I went to wipe and figured it was progesterone leaking. No such luck.

It has been getting lighter and lighter over the past few hours- last I looked it was just a speck or two on the tissue. My abdomen is uncomfortable, but I've hardly eaten (it's now 11:30) and I've been feeling like I've done too many sit-ups basically since the transfer.

I have been told the progesterone suppositories can cause bleeding, but bleeding with the abdominal discomfort has me thinking it's the big M.

I called the RE and we'll do another beta tomorrow. I'll keep you posted, because I can't really tell anyone else.

Now we got problems
And I don't think we can solve them
Taylor Swift, Bad Blood

4W5D The Space Between

Beta yesterday was awesome at 1194, I was hoping for about 900 which would have been a good rise. That is a doubling time of 37 hours and a 2 days increase of 279%. The nurse that called me was the PDG nurse and she was thrilled for us and commented that it was a really good number. 

Now I'm left waiting again. The ultrasound is at 7W2D- 19 days from now. It is in the office I like and I am really hoping to get the woman who has done the majority of my scans for my 3 IVFs. This could be our final parting- and my final visit to that clinic. 

Wow.

In the mean time, I am in between again. just under 3 weeks until ultrasound, then 5 weeks until NT scan. Hub and I are thinking carefully about who we want to see and where we want to go. I have a great experience at the Hospital I delivered at except for when they told me Kins had DS and then kicked me out of the room.I checked the website and it appears that Next Tuesday is still the head there and she is the one to interpret and give us the results from the ultrasound. The OB-GYN I love still isn't delivering. We are thinking about going there until the NT, though that is where we had the scans with Blue Sunday- so that's also hard. But I know she does a scan at 9 weeks in addition to the NT- so that gives me a little extra- the midwives won't scan until NT at 12 weeks.

The space between your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time

The space between
The space between

Dave Matthews Band, The Space Between

IVF #1 13DP5DP Goodbye Yellowbrick Road?

It is time I think to transition to days of pregnancy rather than days past transfer. IF my beta is good today (waiting on results now) I think this blog will become, once again, a pregnancy one.


Today was emotional.


I've been following the infertility yellowbrick road for a very long time now. Those of you who have been there know what I mean. The way is gleamingly clear, glinting in the sun. Cycle Day 1- call the clinic, CD 2 blood draws, start meds CD3-mid cycle take meds, do u/s eat well, stress less, mid-cycle- do intervention- retrieval, IUI, sex. WAAAAIIIIITT then, usually, get disappointed and start again. Skip, Skip, Skip down the path. We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of IF.


Suddenly (not so suddenly actually 18 months) I'm (may be) at the end of the yellow-brick road. Stepping off onto a new path. Different milestones, still a lot of waiting and a lot of appointments. 2 more things to go at the RE as of this morning- 2nd beta and viability u/s on Feb 8th (2 days after my dad's birthday! 2 days apart is quite a theme of this pregnancy). I went into my beta this morning and saw the woman I usually see. We talked about the weather (frigid) and my bad veins (always). She said "oh it's hiding from me!" and I said something to the effect that they've been poked for years and I'm hoping this is the last time. She confirmed I said years and I told her we've been working on family building for 5 years and have just one at home. She asked God to bless me, wished me luck and hoped that this was my last blood work visit.


If this pregnancy works out, I'm almost certainly done. (Hub is already lobbying to try "one more, one more time" but I don't want to end on a sour note, if possible) This might have been my last fertility blood draw.


Good bye Yellowbrick road?


Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road
Elton John, Goodbye Yellowbrick Road

IVF #1 10DP5DT Beta Day

Call Transcript: 11:31am

Nurse: How are you?
Me: Nervous
Nurse: I have great news for you!
Me: Crying
Nurse: The number was very strong. 315. That's a sign of great implantation! Good job!
Me: NERVOUS GIGGLING. ok! Yay!
Nurse: OK!

Hub had come up stairs by now. I gave him a thumbs up. Once the call ended I hugged him and cried like a baby.

3-1-5!

315. I can't believe it.

When I was 15DPO with kins (the equivalent day) I was at 349, so very similar.

I know that IVF works, obviously or I wouldn't have done it, but it still seems crazy to me that they can make an embryo, grow it for 5 days, biopsy it and then freeze it for months- THEN unfreeze it and have it implant. CRAZY.

So here I am, after 17 months of trying- pregnant.

We have more blood work on Tuesday- nurse said "This is just protocol to see that the numbers are doing what they are supposed to. There is no reason to believe they won't." I have to call on Monday to cancel my future plans meeting with my RE. Then I have to book an ultrasound in 3 weeks.

Oh my god. This is happening.

I just hope it keeps happening.

IVF #1 FET 9DP5DT (Clear blue weeks estimator booster post)

*This post is not actually sponsored, I just LOOOVVVVEEEE this test.
One more wake up until beta day!!

Man oh man. I'm getting excited.

I can't control myself and got one of the Clear blue weeks estimators. I did research on them and decided it was worth the money for my piece of mind. I will summarize, but if your a data nerd, you can just click here to be taken to the FDA documents on the device. The summary starts under the first *** and ends at the next *** so you can skip if you'd like. I'm a nerd and love data. It bores most people.

***

Without getting too technical- this test measures 2 things- the presence/ absence of the HCG (the hormone that makes pregnancy test turn positive, that the beta test measures and that makes you vomit! and also the amount of HCG present. The first, he presence/ absence of the HCG, triggers pregnant/non pregnant. text. This is like any other digital.

Per the info from the FDA I linked above, the test will read "not pregnant' for all HCGs less than 10. In a clinical trial, all women with an HCG of -20% of the pregnant threshold (~20% of 10- 8.3) actually tested negative.  Once HCG reached 17.7 (+80% of threshold, there were no false negatives, though there were some below that).

If you're pregnant (at least more than 10 units, and accurate over 18 units) it will calculate weeks pregnant by this algorithm:

1-2 10-156 units
2-3 157-2599
3+ more than 2600

It doesn't display the actual HCG and it calculates "weeks pregnant" as weeks the fetus has existed- so today I am 4 weeks- so I expect either 1-2 or 2-3, since the baby is 2 weeks in existence.

The data in the link shows it's not perfect, i.e. 18 samples at 214 (+40% of 2-3 week threshold) are still showing as 1-2 weeks. BUT only 1 person who was under 150 showed as 2-3 weeks. So they don't have many false positives. - in this case a false positive would be telling someone they were 2-3 weeks when they were only 1-2.

 ***

This morning I had to pee so bad, at 5:30. ugh. I got up and tested with the weeks estimator. For me, the "pregnant" came up within about a minute. Then I went back to bed. I was just too tired. My RE wants to see the HCG at 100 tomorrow, so I was trying to make myself feel OK if it told me 1-2 weeks--- but it didn't! 2-3 weeks! woo-hoo.

Also my wondfos finally got darker!

 I am expecting a number somewhere at or above 170 tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.

IVF # 1 8DP5DT

OK almost there. 8DP5DT - the equivalent of 13DPO.

Last night I went out with two of my girlfriends and I confessed my pee problem. I am obsessed it's all I think about. Bad, bad. I event went and bought MORE. I know...

I had this conversation with hub:

me: I think I might have to go buy more tests
hub: ...
me: Well I'm out of FRERs and they are meant for 6 days before missed period. I bought the wrong tests and got the same brand but the rapid response- which is for day of missed period- so it's less likely I'll get a good line. And then I will freak out.
hub: I'm going to try to say this delicately. I think you should get more, even though you don't need them, because it will make you feel better. Ok?
me: YAYAYAYAYAY  more things to pee on*

*possibly not actually what was said

So then I obsessed over it my friends (who have never taken a pregnancy test) and I wondered a loud if I should hold my pee so I could take a test when I got home or not. They said to pee- I didn't. Then I took one of them to buy them with me. And then I came home and peed on it- because they come in a 3 pack so why not? I got this:

The one in the middle was a left over from Kins flat FRER. Not sure how fair it is to line compare. That was from yesterday morning, the one below from the same evening. Even if you discount that, the one on top is 2 days before the one on bottom.

Best line yet! This might be real! I thought

This morning I took the wondfo (and one more form the new pack I got last night because I have problems) and it was no different than yesterday morning- but the FRER is darker than last night. WTF??

IVF #1 7DP5DT

Ughhh this is torture.  

I don't think the lines are darker today on the Wondfos- they they are dark lines and much darker than two days ago. 

This is deceptive, the line from today isn't much darker. 

My FRER is actually much better today. It is possible that my wondfos are starting to max out. I've found that they increase slowly after a certain point. It is also one of the old style, flat FRERs. I have heard from several early testers that they are less accurate in early testing than they used to be. 

Anyway, yesterday I held it from 1 to about 5:30 so I could use a digital. I wanted a way to estimate it my HCG was scary low (I've seen women take a wondfo with a faint positive and have a beta under 10- which would be very bad news for me at this point). Digitals are notorious for needing at least 25 and more like 50 to show positive:

And it was positive! It didn't take too long to come up either!

Here's the thing, I felt really positive about my pregnancy with kins.  I just went back and read all my old posts, looking for evidence, and I wasn't positive at all until I had an ultrasound. I was a wreck. So I feel better about that. 

About 3 days and 2 hours until we get beta results.

IVF #1 6DP6DT

Getting closer to calling this an actual BFP and may be even publishing all of these!

This isn't to say that I think this will result in a baby to add to my family (I am so far thinking from that!) it isn't even to say I have discounted that this could be  Another Chemical Pregnancy (I guess they affected me more than I thought). I guess I am just getting to the place that I have been thinking to myself that this could be an acknowledged period of time during which I was pregnant.

The first chemical I noticed that the trigger was hanging on for quite some time. At this point I didn't know what to expect from a trigger, It was only my second one and the first resulted in Kins. I also had a string of three days that the tests looked almost identical (with the middle being, possibly, slightly darker than the ones before and after). Still, I was surprised by the news that it was chemical. The last time I took a pregnancy test (or had a cycle a pregnancy was possible) was back in June. That cycle there was a few hours I thought for sure I was pregnant and had avoided IVF. There was one day that the test was positive after the trigger was done. It was really light. The next day it was slightly darker but a negative FRER and the following day it was negative.

I now have 3 positives in a row, darkening, on the cheap internet tests. I never had 3 improving days on the chemicals. 

The picture on the left is from 4DP5DT and the right is from this morning. I think it's darker (and the lighting is worse) on the more recent one. I never got a positive FRER on the chemicals.

But. 

This is no guaranteen that the beta will be good- or even positive. 

More to come. 

IVF #1 5DP5DT

**I'm writing these out and then will post.. sometime later. Not sure on when.

1/11/2016

Today is Monday 5DP5DT. This seems like a common day for people to get a BFP (or I should say VFP (very faint positive, not big fat positive).

I tested this morning on both a wondfo and a FRER. It was cautiously good news, I guess.

I'm excited about the wondfos. I'm a little nervous about the FRER (not pictured). I know that the wondfos are darkening, so it's reasonable to assume that my HCG is rising (please oh please) and that embryo is settling in. The FRER isn't darkening, however. At least, I don't think it is. FRERs are hard because the line totally darkens as it dries, so if you try to compare an old test to a new one it can look lighter. 

I can show you the comparison of Suday's FRER (1/10) and today's (1/11) after drying. 

The one on the left is today's. 

So, I spent all day FREAKING OUT. I was super, super proud for not peeing on anything after work when I was desperate to. I went to the gym to take my mind off it. 

I have new onset breast pain. So uncomfortable. I know this can be a side effect of progesterone, but I've been on it for over a week now, and this started Sunday afternoon. 

Fingers crossed!

IVF #1 4DP5DT

**I'm writing these out and then will post.. sometime later. Not sure on when.

...An announcement to make and I want you all to be the first to know! (While Christmas)

4DP5DT and very, very, very slightly positive!

I am trying to remain calm, cool and collected, but obviously I'm freaking out. I have had two chemical pregnancies this year- one faint, yet clear on tests. So I know that this (very, very slight) positive could be noting in the end of the day- but Kins also showed himself by way of a test so faint I discounted it as negative to start.

By faint I mean FAINT. Like I cannot even get it on camera faint.

So faint I am not posting these in real time. It is Sunday morning 1/10/16.

I tested with a wondfo this AM and a FRER this evening. Here they are (not that you can actually see anything):

I went to a baby shower for a friend I've had since I was 4 (and she was 3- her big sister is my first, best, friend). I told no one- not my mom, not the mom-to-be and not my best friends. Everyone knows about the FET, and I was asked how it went on Wednesday, but not how it's going. I told them the night before the FET I would tell them Saturday (we have a friends' Christmas planned).

Until then, we're the only people who know (and hub, and mom)

Take Two Turns Two

KINS IS TWO!!!

How, how has this happened?

I think he had a good second birthday- hub and i with all 4 of our parents and hub's sisters when to Chuck e Cheese and had pizza and play time. He was given duplo blocks, trains, a remote controlled car and a set of emergency vehicles. Then we had ice cream cake- it was a snowman- in the hopes that our frozen baby (who hub calls Olaf) was here too!

2DP5DT and other IVF mumbojumbo

OK, I know some of the readers of this blog have never done IVF, many are fellow TFMR moms who aren't IFers at all and a (very) few of you just know me outside of the computer and read along!

So I'm going to explain a bit about IVF in terms of where I am now.

We transferred a chromosomally normal 5 day grade 5BB Blastocycst. I am now 2DP5DT.

2DP5DT: This means that I am 2 Days Past 5 Day Transfer. You add up the two numbers to get the equivalent days post ovulation. In a norman woman, your cycle starts 14 days after ovulation, so this means I'm 7 days past ovulation in embryo development with about a week to go!

5 day Blastocyst: On day 0 (retrieval day) they put my eggs and hub's sperm together and let them boogie. For IVF number 1 (where this blast came from) 4 of 8 fertalized- meaning the sperm and egg met and hooked up normally (sometimes eggs can have a bit of a three-some and get 2 sperm=bad). After developing for 5 days in the lab only this one, Suyra-Scott, was still alive and suitable for biopsy. At this stage of development, it is called a blastocyst (or blast). So that embryo was biospied and frozen.

chromosomally normal: The biopsy is done when the blast has in the 100s of cells and specifically biopsies from the portion of the blast that becomes the placenta, to avoid an injury that could occur by biopsying from what will become the baby. The biopsy showed that the embryo was 36X? (we chose not to find out the gender- though it is know to the RE and staff).

Grade: grading of embryos is based on number of days post-fertilization (5). the First letter is a grade of the inter cell mass and the second is a grade of the trophodectoderm. These are on a A-D scale. My RE said his clinic is very harsh on embryos and As aren't that common and not to worry about the BB. I do though, of course.

The first link below shows the development from 0-5 days. The end result shows a non-hatched blast. Just before the 2 minute mark the doc explains the parts of the embryo. The part she says forms the placenta is what we biopsied. The second link shows the hatching that occurred the day of the FET. You can see that the pic I posted is not a circular blast (it is a tamagotchi). That is because it was hatching.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6-v4eF9dyA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57_X364nejw

I was told that implantation occurs within the 3 days after transfer. Here's hoping that is/has occurred!

FET: Watershed Wednesdays

It happened! *

We transferred (obviously) one, hatching, day 5, chromosomal normal, blast at about 1:30 this afternoon. Suyra-Scott is back where he/she should be and will hopefully over the next hours, days, weeks, and months get comfortable in there. 

I was a WRECK before the procedure which was scheduled for 12 but was obviously late. I actually think they don't start the thaw until you check in, so at least some waiting is by design. I had to pee SO BADLY. Hub went and asked them how long it would be because I was so desperate. They told him to tell me to go 'just a little bit'. So I did that- 3 times. When we were taken back the nurse told me I would pee out half-way... that's actually really hard to judge. When we finally got into the procedure room (which was the OR, I didn't expect that), they actually laughed at how full my bladder was. Ouch. 

When the doc came out to tell us about the procedure and he said that Suyra-Scott unfroze perfectly I lost my composure a little bit. (A lot). Hub said he saw in the docs eyes as he remembered that I am a basket case. It was fine and he is very kind and understanding. I regained my composure pretty quickly. 

It was a very odd several minutes for the transfer itself, hub was back with me and was a little disturbed at all the instruments that went up there. I am on vaginal crinone and, though I tried to clear the way, there was a lot of gunk up there. I felt very unclean (I swear I'm a clean person!) It was cool to see the catheter be threaded in. He showed us on the ultrasound where he was aiming for before he started, and sure enough got it right there. When they actually injected Suyra-Scott we could see the little bubble they use as a marker move down the tube and flash out into the space he was aiming for. 

For now, I wait. 10 wake-ups until the pregnancy test. That night is our Friend's Christmas dinner (instead of gifts we're going to an uber-fancy resturant as a group). So I'll either be super happy or drink a lot of wine.  

Want to know something crazy? 

1/4/12: Termination day a Wednesday

1/8/14: Kins' Birthday also a Wednesday 2 years and 4 days later

1/6/16: Transfer Day obviously, a Wednesday: 2 years less 2 days from Kins' birthday and 4 years plus 2 days from the termination

Watershed Wednesdays

*Suyra-Scott looks just like a tamagotchi to me. See the googly eyes and duck lips?? Just like the last column, second row. Only facing the other direction and no legs. 

Goals: 2016 edition

I liked keeping track of my goals in 2013 and so I am doing it again this year!

I have a list of a few goals and I will update here monthly-ish. I think I will reformat my tags and then allow the ability to search by tags (since I am good about tagging and use them for my own reference)

1) Resolve: Hub and I have decided that at then end of this year we want to have created all the embryos we're going to create (including donor). We can do FETs into 2017, but we want off this merry-go-round. So we may close the door with one at least semi-bio kid (we may pursue adoption after a family building break)

2) Read 12 books. I have 11 on my list and one wildcard. Any suggestions? I read a wide variety, but am not counting pulp fiction type books (I like J.D.Robb and teen lit as a guilty pleasure but am not counting them)

3) Run the June 5k in under 28 minutes. Still on here from 2 years ago. oops (though I was pregnant and it was 90+ out that day. Last year I was just a little too slow)

4) Pay down my mortgage (not off obviously aiming for about 10,000 extra dollars)

5)Re-do the kitchen- at long last

4 Years Later

My very first post on this blog was “4 Days Later”. Now here we are 4 years later. The more things change, the more they stay the same. 

My heart still bleeds for my child. What a horribly unfair hand Blue Sunday was dealt. I feel much more responsible than I did before, now that I know I have old ovaries and old eggs that produce lousy genetic material. A lousy egg that against all odds made a baby, developed a baby who could never really live. 

In many other ways, it's easier now. I have my (gorgeous) son. I have scabbed over the loss. It hurts to think about, it hurts to think of the family I could have had- but it's become part of me. I know that I am someone who lost a baby well into pregnancy. That is my reality and it's not so new I can forget, or remember very well the me before. 

My friend and her family made a donation to the Trisomy 18 foundation in memory of Blue Sunday and I was so touched. Unfortunately as a loss mom herself, she knows the desperation a parent feels to have their lost child remembered and have them matter in the world. I'm glad Blue Sunday can help another child/ family in a desperate situation. 

There is nothing good, beautiful or easy about loss, but it doesn't have to be all bad in the aftermath. 

New Year 2016

Happy New Year Everyone!

I have to say this year didn't start on a high note. I overindulged a bit last night and then this morning I had a blood draw and ultrasound at 7:45AM. The place is about 30 minutes from home, so I was out of the house at 7:15. I was not a happy camper.

At least once I got there, I was in and out. My lining was an 8.63, which they said was good and I start Crinone tonight, then morning and night until. Hopefully that until is 12 weeks or so from now to support a pregnancy, but otherwise will be until a negative beta.

My anxiety is out of control and it's making me even more anxious. I have committed to getting to the gym everyday until transfer as a way to get it under control. They have a quote framed on the gym wall:

If the benefits of exercise could be packaged in a pill, it would be the most widely prescribed medication throughout the world today

I figure I should prescribe myself that pill. I need something to get me out of this funk. I plan on  walking 4 million steps this year. It's about 11k steps a day. I started a blog about it here. 

5 wake-up till transfer day. 

I'm so nervous.